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Stanley Cup Playoffs Preview- Neophyte Annoying Sports City Versus Jobless Trite Expression City

posted May 28, 2009, 6:17 AM by Steven Seagal   [ updated May 30, 2009, 9:27 AM ]
Do you understand what I am talking about here? Do you ever understand what I'm talking about? Well, first of all this year's Stanley Cup Final is a rematch of last year's event. This year however, there appears to be more at stake for both the Pittsburgh Penguins and Detroit Red Wings. Let's go over what has happened for each city over the past year, shall we? Of course we shall. I don't need your permission, fuck face.
The Pittsburgh Penguins are the darlings of the NHL because of the ambiguously gay duo. They return to the big stage with more playoff experiece and an actually-awake Evgeni Malkin. As for the city itself, we are approaching the national buildup of an extremely annoying fan base. The Steelers just won their second Superbowl in the past 4 years. This team called "Pitt" went pretty far in something called "College Basketball" during some sort of tournament called the "Final Four". Pittsburgh fans still refuse to admit the existence of the Pirates. Given one team is a champion with its bandwagon fan base in full force and one other "major" sports team is poised for championship glory, we are all about to be inundated with a nation of know nothing casual sports fans who claim to be huge Pens and Steelers fans. If you need more clarification, think about the Boston sports scene over the past few years, but with less annoying accents and less goats.
Now let's talk about the Detroit Red Wings. This team won the big one last year. They have the talent to repeat even though their goaltending is mediocre at best. They have a something like 890 years of playoff experience. As for other sports teams, The Detroit Lions are a mess, coming off an 0-16 season. If you think that was bad enough, they also lost a good boat out there. The Tigers were favorites last year but failed to live up their expectations. Again, during this "Final Four" thing the Michigan State Spartans made it to the championship. They lost but they had the added honus of winning the championship for the city ravaged by the recession. According to the powers that be, the city's populus needed a win to help them forget their own misfortunes. I can relate because this one time I didn't get laid [editor's note: one time?  hahaha], but later that night the Giants WON THE SUPERBOWL. Given the state of the depressed automotive industry, the Red Wings will have to suffer through the same annoying expressions that "the city is relying on them" and "the city needs this win".
Personally I say fuck that. Pittsburgh is in shambles too. They can make that same argument. A championship won't sell anymore cars or get them off the unemployment lines. What they should be saying is "We need some fucking money". Now that I think about it, I can say fuck that all the time. Every team needs a championship.*
Unfortunately, one team has to win the Stanley Cup. Who do I want to win? I'll tell you because this is my website and I do whatever the fuck I want. I want the Rangers to win. Maybe next year.
* Except the Eagles, Cowbys, Redskins, Patriots, Jets, Phillies, Red Sox, Penguins, Red Wings, You know what? Only the Rangers, Yankees, Mets, and Giants need championships.