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NY Rangers @ Washington Capitals Game Two Preview by Henrik Lundqvist

posted Apr 18, 2009, 6:07 AM by Steven Seagal
This post is an email we received just yesterday from King Henrik Lundqvist. We were surprised to actually receive this email since the King told us he would only write one preview during the playoffs. We wouldn't expect the guy to grace us with his flowing prose before every playoff game. That would be too much to ask. Fortunately for you, the King absolutely insisted we post a game two preview penned, most likely in blood, by the King himself. Here is the email in it's entirety.

Hey guys, first of all, GREAT work on the site. Anyone who's anyone checks this site out at least 5 times a day.  You should get paid to do this. Maybe some of your fans should start sending you money. Just a suggestion.
Anyway, after a tough game one I went to Flash Dancers (You ever been there before? Ha! OF COURSE you've been there). So I was talking to three of the girls there about positions and shit when suddenly the bouncer came rushing over with a copy of the Daily News. He read to me some quotes from a certain shot happy Capitals player named Alex Ovechkin. This is what Ovechkin said about the Garden:

"I like playing over there. Sometimes the ice is no good over there because lots of concerts, lots of dog shows, something like that coming over there. It kind of smells no good over there sometimes."

I laughed off Ovechkin's comments because in Soviet Russia, they bathe in goat urine, so what the fuck does he know about what "smells no good". What he was smelling was raw power fermented from years of superb goal tending ability. The girls laughed when I said that. And then they gave me a three way blow job. Raw power indeed.
The bouncer wasn't finished though. Apparently Ovechkin made comments about my pads! Can you believe that? I couldn't believe it so I threatened to shank the bouncer in the gut with a prison shiv if he didn't explain himself. He just showed me the paper and ran away in fear. This is what Ovechkin said about the King:

"His equipment is really big."

Now this isn't even funny. In fact, it's absolutely true. But he wasn't talking about my pads. He was talking about my unit, my shaft, my balls. My "tension knob" as the Swedes call it. Ovechkin knows better than to call out my regulation size pads. Maybe he should start shooting with a little less urgency and a little more accuracy.
Regardless of what that cunt-eyed russkie has to say, he should know that the Rangers will not and should not be taken lightly. One more game in fucking Washington and then we're back to where it "smells no good", Ovechkin. I hope the Garden faithful chuck batteries at your face.
                                                                                                                                      -Henrik Lundqvist