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NY Rangers @ Washington Capitals Game 5 Preview by Henrik Lundqvist

posted Apr 24, 2009, 8:48 AM by Steven Seagal
I love Alexander Ovechkin. He doesn't seem to try as hard and as fruitlessly as Sidney Crosby does in being engaging and just plain likable (Note: Crosby may be fruitless in his efforts, but he's still a fruit nonetheless ). Everything Crosby does comes across as contrived. He's the A-Rod of the NHL. Crosby is the NHL's Kobe Bryant. If Crosby celebrated as flamboyantly as Ovechkin, I'd call him a punk kid who needs to be put in his place. When Ovechkin celebrates as flamboyantly as Ovechkin, I call him a gunslinger who's just having fun out there, much like Brett Fav.. Forget it. I hate him now. And so does Henrik Lundqvist, who once again graced this hallowed site with a game 5 preview. So without further ado, here is the Rangers-Capitals game 5 preview, as written by Henrik Lundqvist.

Hey, what's up you seemingly racist fucker,
Your klan hood must have been drenched in sweat after game 4. I'm just kidding. You're not racist. People should stop saying that about you. An anti-Semite? Yes. A racist? No.
Anyway, I'm here to write about this series, not you and your vendetta against the Jews. We managed to fight it out for a win on Wednesday and now we got the Caps on the ropes. We're up 3-1. Makes me sort of think of the phrase Zombie Dog for some reason and I can't quite figure out why that is. Ovechkin finally slipped one past the goalie. Little does he know that slipping one past the goalie is popular euphemism for impregnating a girl. Well, let me be the first one to tell Alex, that I had "slipped ones past the goalie" after the win. Alex will be a proud uncle in 9 months because after game 4, I plowed all of his sisters, filling them up with my ultra potent super sperm. It wasn't rape because I couldn't understand what they were screaming in Russian. I just imagined them saying "Save by Lundqvist" over and over again, because 99% of the time, that's what I hear after you take a shot. Funny enough, nothing was saved that night. Not even their innocence.
We're going to put them away tonight. On their home ice in Washington, no less. The game starts at 7 pm. You best be watching, Steven.
                                                                                                         -Henrik Lundqvist