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Jarkko Ruutu Bites Andrew Peters, Gary Bettman suspends Sidney Crosby

posted Jan 7, 2009, 8:17 AM by Steven Seagal   [ updated Feb 15, 2009, 12:13 PM ]

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In response to the rash of girlish fighting that has plagued the NHL this season, Commissioner Gary Bettman has finally levied the appropriate punishment. After reviewing the above fight between Jarkko Ruutu and Andrew Peters in which Ruutu apparently bites Andrew Peter's hand, Bettman made the only logical decision and suspended Sidney Crosby for 10 games. In a statement released to the media earlier this morning, Bettman had the following to say:
"It's a sad day for the NHL and I am utterly embarrassed by the recent outbreak of fighting in this league. Just this past Saturday, Alexander Semin slapped Marc Staal like a little bitch and was promptly ejected from the game. We had hoped this was an isolated event and let the incident pass. However, last night there was another seemingly unrelated transgression that occurred between Jarkko Ruutu and Andrew Peters in which Ruutu bit Peters on the hand. We have failed in addressing these girly fighting tactics in the past and we apologize. In order to correct this situation, The league's disciplinary committee and myself have declared that Sidney Crosby will be suspended for 10 games as a result. Crosby's incessant bitching and overall air of feminine sensibilities have brought this league nothing but embarrassment and shame. We want the NHL to move forward, not backward, and by suspending Crosby, we believe that the NHL can once again regain it's reputation as a physically tough sport on par with the National Football League and Extreme Cage Fighting. Once again, as I speak for the entire NHL, I apologize for letting that little bitch tarnish the image of this sport. In fairness, Crosby does have the right to appeal this punishment but I'm sure he will be too busy crying himself to sleep on his Little Mermaid pillow to make such an appeal."