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Giant Vagina Aims to Stop Fighting

posted Mar 11, 2009, 9:49 AM by Steven Seagal   [ updated Mar 11, 2009, 12:01 PM ]
The NHL general managers are a well organized collection of vaginas that cannot be described by the amount of their parts or positions within the NHL. This is the first example of the gestalt phenomenon I have ever come upon. This occurs because it wouldn't be right to say that some general managers are bigger vaginas than others because they are a unified whole. They cannot be described by the summation of their parts because as a whole they are a vagina. One vagina to rule them all. That's depressing stuff. What made me come to this conclusion is the news that the NHL GMs are proposing to crack down on fighting by issuing 10 minute game misconducts for "staged fights" and limiting fighting after clean hits, which would penalize instigators.
"Staged fighting", as described by the giant vagina, occurs immediately after a face-off. In my opinion, this only occurs between two players who know the dangers of fighting, thus are safe about doing so. You won't see Ovechkin and Patrick Kane dropping the gloves after the face-off. That type of behavior is saved for Donald Brashear and Colton Orr. Sidney Crosby tried to do it once but he just came across as a little bitch. Surprise, surprise.
The limit to fighting after clean hits would also end up penalizing the enforcers for attacking an instigator who cleanly, yet aggressively attacks a star player. That's what enforcers are there to do. They have to protect their breadwinner. Instigators are now allowed to roam free, taking out the skill players at will. Adam Graves made a living off cleanly hitting players who went after Messier, Leetch and me. If it wasn't for enforcers beating the daylights out of instigators, we would see the longevity of skill players careers diminsh over time. I know that last statement came completely out of my ass as I have no evidence to back it up, but it does make sense.
Let's be honest here. The NHL is not the NFL. It is not Major League Baseball. For Jacobssake, they don't even have an ESPN contract and ESPN was at one point pursuing a deal with the EPL. That's soccer. In England. Yeah, the NHL is really that bad. By cutting out fighting or at least limiting it, the NHL is just digging it's own grave. This is like Nascar creating a speed limit to stop car crashes Red necks love car crashes! That's the only reason they watch that shit! Or how about not letting me use roofies when I compete in the rapelympics in your local high school, grade school and county fair parking lots? The NHL is taking away what gives them their identity. In no other professional league can athletes vent their frustration by opening punching each other in the face.  Do yourself a favor and watch a game that has taken a turn toward the boring side. One a fight breaks out, the crowd immediately stands and starts cheerings. That's the NHL. If the NHL GMs, I mean the Giant Vagina, gets it's way, then they will be paving the way for the complete abolishment of fighting. As Americans, haven't we abolished enough already over the past 144 years?