News‎ > ‎NHL‎ > ‎

Final Game Preview and Season "Rape"up

posted Apr 12, 2009, 8:33 AM by Steven Seagal   [ updated Apr 12, 2009, 8:55 AM ]
Tonight's meaningless game against the Flyers draws the Rangers' tumultuous season to a close. We've had the "Fire Renney" demands, which were accommodated by Glen Sather in hiring Goomba Johnny Tortellini to replace Tom Renney. Then we had the "Fire Sather" demands after a few losses, which, unsurprisingly, weren't accommodated by Glen Sather. Avery came back to Broadway. Kalinin, Prucha and Dawes left for desolate pastures in Phoenix. Nik Antropov stormed his way in from Toronto immediately providing that body in front of the net the Rangers desperately needed. Now it's on to the second season where the Rangers will face the no. 2 seed Washington Capitals.
Before the second season could start, the Rangers had to draw their first season to a close with a time honored tradition. As the Fan Appreciation day tradition holds, the Rangers held their Annual "Blueshirts off our back" jersey giveaway following the last home game of the season. Each Ranger strips his jersey and gives it to a lucky kid in attendance as a simple reminder that indeed they do appreciate the fans. It also lets the female fans in on the fun. After every home game during the season, the Rangers stripped fans of their clothes and, as team MVP Henrik Lundqvist described the scenario, the Rangers "had their way with them". That means they had sex with underage girls after every home game, except the last. That's 41 home games multiplied by the 21 active players to get 861 (!) counts of statutory rape in one season. That's a lot of rape! Hopefully they had enough practice in the rape department to carry them over the Capitals because that's exactly what needs to happen. They need to rape the Capitals.
The Playoffs start on Wednesday exclusively (sigh) on Versus. At least that's what I think. I can't be expected to do all the research here. Get off your ass and look it up yourself, dickwad.

Lundqvist returns the favor on Thursday by taking off his clothes for a minor. God knows King Henrik had his fair share of naked minors after games.