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Here's a Good Idea!

posted Jul 3, 2009, 4:43 PM by Steven Seagal   [ updated Jul 4, 2009, 6:08 AM ]

Glen Sather is dumb. Sure he made some good decisions in the past, like most recently the Gomez-Higgins trade. That seemed like a good move, especially since Montreal took on all of the Gomez contract.
What doesn't seem like a good idea was to let Colton Orr walk. He scored 1 goal and had 4 assists. Colton Orr had 5 total points but none of that comes as a surprise. He was good at what he did and didn't need to score. He just beat the piss out of people. That's it. Now Sather let Orr walk and that was a bad idea however, Sather made an even dumber move in response to Orr's departure.
Glen fucking Sather signed Donald fucking Brashear. Yes, the same Brashear who received a 5 game suspension for a "clean hit" during the playoffs. Brashear nearly killed Blair Betts and now he's will be donning a blue shirt next season. If I were Blair Betts, I'd be running around my house with  fucking chainsaw screaming bloody murder. Betts deserves to lay a ''clean hit" on Glen Sather and his family.
I embedded the youtube clip of the "clean" hit below. You can skip to about a minute in to see Brashear kill Betts.

YouTube Video

Hockey players have a short term memory. All athletes do or at least they should. I bet Betts understands that hockey can be a overly physical game with inherent danger. The hit came at a crucial point in a frustrating playoff series. Who knows, maybe Brashear apologized to Betts following the playoffs and this is a non issue. Regardless, Brashear should absolutely destroy any player that even looks in the direction of Betts. He better do it quick too because although hockey players have short term memories, hockey fans do not.

Goodbye Gomez, Hello Higgins

posted Jul 1, 2009, 5:39 AM by Steven Seagal

The Rangers ended their Latino Eskimo experiment as they traded Scott Gomez (yes, he's from Alaska) and two prospects to Montreal for Chris Higgins and defensemen Pavel Valentenko and Ryan McDonagh. More importantly, the Canadiens agreed to take on the 7 mil owed to Gomez, clearing up some cap space.
Since the Rangers have been linked to Dany Heatley via preliminary discussions and NY Post rumor milling, one would assume that the Rangers are making room for the disgruntled Ottawa star. Not true, jerkoffs. Well, almost true, jerkoffs. According to reports, the Heatley to Edmonton trade speculation is either completely false or a set in stone done deal.
Perhaps Glen Sather could strike a deal with Heatley while Edmonton brass sit up in Edmonton and do whatever Edmonton yokels do. I imagine it involves moose hunting. Maybe the Rangers could strike a deal with Tampa Bay for Vincent Lecalvalier?
Regardless, let's give a warm Ramon Hernandez Put Down The Gun greeting to Chris Higgins, Ryan McDonagh and Pavel Valentenko. So long Gomez and thanks for nothing.
I did a Google image search for "Chris Higgins" and this is what I got. "Hard to believe he's from snobby white upperclass Smithtown, Long Island" says the ever racist Dr. Foxyrotten

Steven Seagal Votes Negative on ESPY Awards Best Play Nominee Against Much Wishes of Russian Who Calls Garden Smelly and Lacks Still Breathing Brother (With Video Playing Device, Yes!)

posted Jun 25, 2009, 12:43 PM by Steven Seagal   [ updated Jun 25, 2009, 1:42 PM ]

It's a good thing everyone in the world, including me, doesn't give a flying fuck about the ESPY awards because one of the Top Play Nominees is Alexander Ovechkin's superhuman goal against the New York Rangers during the Stanley Cup Playoffs. God, I fucking hated that series. It pains me to say but it is a nice goal. Pay attention to Aaron Voros after the goal.  I'm glad the talentless jerkoff stuck around after the goal to hang out with the celebrating Capitals.
Oh and for those of you who don't understand the title, Alexander Ovechkin said Madison Square Garden smells (he's possibly right). Ovechkin also had a brother but he's dead (He's definitely brotherless)

YouTube Video

1 Boy, 1 Man and 1 Cup

posted Jun 13, 2009, 8:43 AM by Steven Seagal

I started reading this article about the Stanley Cup final in the NY Daily News this morning only find some startling news. Here is an excerpt from the article , followed by my expected reaction to a certain unexpected chunk of information.

"Crosby took [the Stanley Cup] from NHL commissioner Gary Bettman and skated a half lap to center ice before handing it off to Bill Guerin, who joined the team in a trade deadline deal with the Islanders and became a champion for the first time since 1995 with the Devils.

Lemieux, the No. 1 pick in the 1984 draft by Pittsburgh, celebrated on the ice with Crosby - the phenom who has been living in the owner's house since joining the team.

The Penguins turned the tables on the Red Wings and..."

Wait a minute, go back for a second. Sidney Crosby lives with Mario Lemieux? He must live in Mario Lemieux's old house or something. Maybe Crosby bought Lemieux's house or he was just given the house as a gift? Nope. He lives there.

A quick Wikipedia search shows that indeed Sidney Crosby, all 21 years of age, lives with another man, his boss no less, and his family during the hockey season. Now I'm here to judge because I moved out of my own parents' home when I was a young boy and lived in a dojo, that I built myself, situation high up on a mountain top, sort of where Batman trained in Batman Begins but with no crying and less butt sex. I was 6 years old at the time, living on my own, strangling mountain goats and sherpas with my bare hands for sustenance. Only after years of intense training, thousands of murdered sherpas and complete mental stabilization did I return to civilization to become the action movie star Steven Seagal that you see today. That's how all boys should live, according to me. Sidney must need some extra comforting.

Sidney Crosby is 21 years old, making $8.7M a year, and he lives with another man and his family. I'm not saying Mario Lemieux and Sidney Crosby succumbed to their primal forbidden urges when Mrs. Lemieux and family were away but okay, yeah that's absolutely what I'm saying. I guess all I can say is that this arrangement isn't all that unexpected given that I hate Crosby and always expect the worst. Well, Congratulations on The Stanley Cup victory you creepy bastards. You better wash that thing when you're done with it.

This is just disgusting. You're a grown man, Mario. You have a wife and kids.

Stanley Cup Playoffs Preview- Neophyte Annoying Sports City Versus Jobless Trite Expression City

posted May 28, 2009, 6:17 AM by Steven Seagal   [ updated May 30, 2009, 9:27 AM ]

Do you understand what I am talking about here? Do you ever understand what I'm talking about? Well, first of all this year's Stanley Cup Final is a rematch of last year's event. This year however, there appears to be more at stake for both the Pittsburgh Penguins and Detroit Red Wings. Let's go over what has happened for each city over the past year, shall we? Of course we shall. I don't need your permission, fuck face.
The Pittsburgh Penguins are the darlings of the NHL because of the ambiguously gay duo. They return to the big stage with more playoff experiece and an actually-awake Evgeni Malkin. As for the city itself, we are approaching the national buildup of an extremely annoying fan base. The Steelers just won their second Superbowl in the past 4 years. This team called "Pitt" went pretty far in something called "College Basketball" during some sort of tournament called the "Final Four". Pittsburgh fans still refuse to admit the existence of the Pirates. Given one team is a champion with its bandwagon fan base in full force and one other "major" sports team is poised for championship glory, we are all about to be inundated with a nation of know nothing casual sports fans who claim to be huge Pens and Steelers fans. If you need more clarification, think about the Boston sports scene over the past few years, but with less annoying accents and less goats.
Now let's talk about the Detroit Red Wings. This team won the big one last year. They have the talent to repeat even though their goaltending is mediocre at best. They have a something like 890 years of playoff experience. As for other sports teams, The Detroit Lions are a mess, coming off an 0-16 season. If you think that was bad enough, they also lost a good boat out there. The Tigers were favorites last year but failed to live up their expectations. Again, during this "Final Four" thing the Michigan State Spartans made it to the championship. They lost but they had the added honus of winning the championship for the city ravaged by the recession. According to the powers that be, the city's populus needed a win to help them forget their own misfortunes. I can relate because this one time I didn't get laid [editor's note: one time?  hahaha], but later that night the Giants WON THE SUPERBOWL. Given the state of the depressed automotive industry, the Red Wings will have to suffer through the same annoying expressions that "the city is relying on them" and "the city needs this win".
Personally I say fuck that. Pittsburgh is in shambles too. They can make that same argument. A championship won't sell anymore cars or get them off the unemployment lines. What they should be saying is "We need some fucking money". Now that I think about it, I can say fuck that all the time. Every team needs a championship.*
Unfortunately, one team has to win the Stanley Cup. Who do I want to win? I'll tell you because this is my website and I do whatever the fuck I want. I want the Rangers to win. Maybe next year.
* Except the Eagles, Cowbys, Redskins, Patriots, Jets, Phillies, Red Sox, Penguins, Red Wings, You know what? Only the Rangers, Yankees, Mets, and Giants need championships.

So Long and Godspeed Markus Naslund, We Hardly Knew Thee

posted May 5, 2009, 9:42 AM by Steven Seagal

Markus Naslund is dead or something. He had an extra 8 mil on the books for next year but decided to retire at the ripe old age of 36. That must mean he's dead. For serious, who turns down 8 million bones to spend time with their family? He's got to be dead.
Or maybe Rangers GM Glen Sather reworked Naslund's deal so that he'd be paid a healthy sum under the table to clear up cap space for Nik Antropov and a possible run at D Jay Bouwmeetser (Yes, I'm being optimistic).
You be the judge on this one. Both scenarios seem entirely plausible to me but I'm leaning towards the former. I hope Mark enjoys eternity in heaven, playing the harp, making sweet love to angels and shit. I certainly wouldn't wish wholesome family time upon Naslund. That would just be wrong.

NY Rangers @ Washington Capitals Game Seven Preview- By Henrik Lundqvist

posted Apr 28, 2009, 1:35 PM by Steven Seagal   [ updated Apr 28, 2009, 1:51 PM ]

Dear Alexander Ovechkin

What can I say about you, Alexander Ovechkin, that I haven't said already?
     Let's see, you stole my underage girlfriend and I demanded her back. Thanks again, Alex. I'm done with her now. If you want her, you can pick her up. I left her in that Hobo facilitated garbage can fire somewhere in the Bronx. Roasted Toasted and Burnt to a crisp.
     I impregnated all of your sisters. I didn't wine and dine those bitches either. I RAPED them. You can't even get mad at me for that one though. If I didn't fill their vaginas up with my sperm, your dad would have beaten me to it.
     I insinuated that you had a deformed dick, a horrible side effect of eating dirt around the Chernobyl nuclear waste site. I also accused you of jerking that deformed dick while watching my team practice.
That's all pretty horrible stuff. But now? Oh boy, do I have something good or what? A simple wikipedia search led me to this gem.
Your brother Sergei....drum roll please.... DIED in a car accident when you were ten!
SUCKER!!!!! You don't have a brother! You don't have a brother! You know why?
     In light of knowing that you have a dead brother, I have something planned for tonight. During the entirety of tonight's game, including the intermissions, Rangers fans will continually chant "Sergei" in a mocking way. Each Rangers player will wear the number 10 with Sergei written on the back. We're wearing ten because that's the age you were when your precious Sergei died! I'm even wheeling out a tiny coffin which could fit a dead pre-adolescent boy named Sergei in it and we're taking practice shots at it in the pregame warmups. It may be a real coffin with a dead pre-adolescent boy named Sergei in it, it may not. Wouldn't you like to know? See you later, you Cunt-eyed Russkie.

                                                                                                     -Henrik Lundqvist

Donald Brashear Receives 5 Game Suspension For "Clean" Hit

posted Apr 27, 2009, 2:14 PM by Steven Seagal

I wasn't able to watch the Washington Capitals dismantle the NY Rangers 5-3 in game 6 on Sunday, because I had to move these microwave ovens and color TVs - but I did listen to a portion of it on the radio.  I'm not sure who calls hockey for ESPN Radio in NY, and I'm too lazy to go find out, but the call of Donald Brashear's hit on Blair Betts was enough to make you outraged as a Ranger fan.  Brashear laid out Betts on a late, blind side hit to the head and received no penalty whatsoever for his actions.  He was penalized moments later for roughing when Paul Mara, who was also issued a 2 minute minor, got in his face to defend Betts - who was sprawled on the ice.  The announcers were aghast that Brashear didn't receive a 5 minute major and a game misconduct penalty - let alone ANY penalty for the hit - and as they watched the replays, their disbelief grew.  This travesty of officiating became even more clear when it was revealed that Brashear pushed Colton Orr during pre-game warmups, and probably should've been suspended for the game.
The result?    The Capitals scored 2 power play goals after the Rangers lost one of their best penalty killers in Betts.  Like I said, I wasn't able to watch the game, and it sounds like the Blueshirts were thoroughly outplayed in this game, so that it isn't as though you can pin the loss on the hit - but the loss of Betts can't be overlooked as at least a partial cause.  Betts is out for at least game 7 as well with a fractured orbital bone, and possibly longer if the Rangers can manage to stop the bleeding without him.  As a scientist I know it takes a pretty vicious hit to fracture your eye socket.  Brashear is out for 6 games - 1 for his contact with Orr in pregame warmups and another 5 for the hit.  The only defense for this is that I'm not sure if the officials saw the hit as it took place, and you can't expect the officials to see everything.  I hope this explains it, because if they actually did see it and still failed to call the penalty, I would have to call for an investigation into any possible mob ties of referees Brad Meier and Bill McCreary.  The league obviously knows they fucked up huge, because a 5 game suspension in the playoffs is quite a penalty for a hit.  Too bad is doesn't help the Rangers too much, who really could've used a 5 minute power play in the game.  Plus, Colton Orr was out of the lineup in favor of Aaron Voros (why?) on Sunday, so we didn't even get to see Orr beat the fucking piss out of Brashear - and Brashear's suspension means now we won't in game 7, either.
In other news, Dubinsky was bitten on the arm by Shaone Marrisonn and had to receive a tetanus shot.  I don't know what Bruce Boudreau teaches his players about fighting, but they have to be the biggest pussies in hockey.

NY Rangers @ Washington Capitals Game 5 Preview by Henrik Lundqvist

posted Apr 24, 2009, 8:48 AM by Steven Seagal

I love Alexander Ovechkin. He doesn't seem to try as hard and as fruitlessly as Sidney Crosby does in being engaging and just plain likable (Note: Crosby may be fruitless in his efforts, but he's still a fruit nonetheless ). Everything Crosby does comes across as contrived. He's the A-Rod of the NHL. Crosby is the NHL's Kobe Bryant. If Crosby celebrated as flamboyantly as Ovechkin, I'd call him a punk kid who needs to be put in his place. When Ovechkin celebrates as flamboyantly as Ovechkin, I call him a gunslinger who's just having fun out there, much like Brett Fav.. Forget it. I hate him now. And so does Henrik Lundqvist, who once again graced this hallowed site with a game 5 preview. So without further ado, here is the Rangers-Capitals game 5 preview, as written by Henrik Lundqvist.

Hey, what's up you seemingly racist fucker,
Your klan hood must have been drenched in sweat after game 4. I'm just kidding. You're not racist. People should stop saying that about you. An anti-Semite? Yes. A racist? No.
Anyway, I'm here to write about this series, not you and your vendetta against the Jews. We managed to fight it out for a win on Wednesday and now we got the Caps on the ropes. We're up 3-1. Makes me sort of think of the phrase Zombie Dog for some reason and I can't quite figure out why that is. Ovechkin finally slipped one past the goalie. Little does he know that slipping one past the goalie is popular euphemism for impregnating a girl. Well, let me be the first one to tell Alex, that I had "slipped ones past the goalie" after the win. Alex will be a proud uncle in 9 months because after game 4, I plowed all of his sisters, filling them up with my ultra potent super sperm. It wasn't rape because I couldn't understand what they were screaming in Russian. I just imagined them saying "Save by Lundqvist" over and over again, because 99% of the time, that's what I hear after you take a shot. Funny enough, nothing was saved that night. Not even their innocence.
We're going to put them away tonight. On their home ice in Washington, no less. The game starts at 7 pm. You best be watching, Steven.
                                                                                                         -Henrik Lundqvist

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