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What the Hell are the Texans and the Vikings Thinking?

posted Feb 26, 2009, 9:02 AM by Steven Seagal
Now I've been at a Thai whorehouse for the past few days and the only news to slither it's way in has been of new shipments of antibiotics, so forgive me for not knowing much about the Minnesota Viking quarterback situation. Apparently, the Texans traded backup Sage Rosenfels (not an accountant, an actual football player) to the Vikings for a 4th round draft pick. I have few points to make on this insignificant event.
Alright, Who the fuck is Sage Rosenfels? Okay, unfortunately I do know who Sage Rosenfels is, but really, the point is, well, who the fuck is Sage Rosenfels to deserve a 4th round pick in the draft? I would expect a bag of penicillin and meat lovers pizza from Domino's (Note: Domino's sucks ape dick) for Sage Rosenfels, not a 4th round draft pick. Sage Rosenfels. I mean, come on. They can't be serious. Can they?
And what the hell are the Viking up to these days? Is Sage Rosenfels really an upgrade over Tarvaris Jackson? If so, I hope Tarvy doesn't know how to read because he would surely hang himself if he heard that an accountant-sounding motherfucker is better equipped to lead the Vikings over himself. It also says a lot about the Vikings that the starter is Gus Frerotte and the backup is Tarvaris Jackson. Or is it the other way around? Does it even matter, they're mirror images of each other, only you know one is white and the other is black. (Hint: the guy with the flashier, cooler name is the black dude) If I were the Vikings' GM, I'd just throw a shitload of money at Bre.. Brettttt.... Breeeetttt Faaa, Okay I can't even type his name out, so there goes that idea. The second option would be to use the draft and pick up every single quarterback available. I mean, they all can't be busts, right?
In terms of the Texans motives behind the move, they now have to replace Rosenfels. They can't rely on a healthy Matt Shaub to start 16 games at QB because Matt Shcaub sucks. I don't even know how to spell his name right. Matt Schuab. See, I tried and I failed. Anyway, the Texans options, according to the Houston Chronicle, include Ryan Fitzpatrick, Dan Orlovsky, Sexy Rexy, Jeff Garcia and perhaps Chris Simms. Now I'm no pigskin genius, but doesn't Jeff Garcia deserve a starting job over Matt Shawb? Garcia has been chosen for the pro bowl 4 times, the last time being in 2007. It wasn't like Elisha or Breett Faa... being chosen either. He was actually pretty good then. He wasn't so bad for the Eagles the previous year either. The Texans braintrust won't see this though and they'll sign Dan Orlovsky instead. They might as well just cancel the next few seasons. Maybe Mario Williams and Adrian Peterson will quit their respective teams until the GMs pull their heads out of each other's asses. Nah, they'll just ask for more money. Regardless of what the two marquee players do, they're stuck on teams going nowhere. And the teams are driving themselves even further into obscurity. It's really no wonder that the Texans and the Viking will suck forever with these moves.