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What a Wonderful Season

posted Jan 2, 2009, 9:00 AM by Steven Seagal   [ updated Feb 15, 2009, 12:19 PM ]
Much like the Shredder in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles:The Secret of the Ooze, the NFL is now mutating into it's very own Super Shredder. Much like the Super Shredder, the NFL postseason will only last a few fleeting moments before being crushed by it's own awesome power.  But now is not the time to be saddened by this event but to rejoice because of all the seasonal glories (and hopefully glory holes) and failures. Once the playoffs are over, We here at Ramon Hernandez Put Down The Gun can begin drinking ourselves into oblivion in between Rangers games and in anticipation of the coming 2009 baseball season & 2009 Nathan's Famous Hot Dog eating contest. For now, let us savor these NFL  moments like a fine wine fermented in the toilet.

Here is a list of some of the Glories and Failures of this past season:
1. The Giants are in the playoffs. Is that not glorious enough for you? They started resting at around half time this past Sunday and will continue to rest until their first postseason game of 2009 against either Philadelphia or Atlanta on January 11th at 1pm. Earth and Wind both rushed for over a 1000 yards. Justin Tuck is currently eating plenty of sacrificial children. Brandon Jacobs is golf swinging his dick into planets. Eli Manning is playing with all the toys that Santa brought him last week. Tom Coughlin is applying chap stick to his face for the frigid weather games at the Meadowlands. They're relaxing because they're confident. I'm confident because they will be confident. They should be good form.

2. Herm Edwards still (as of right now, 1/2/09) has a job. If you're Herm Edwards, this is a glorious feat. I mean, really, What else does he have to do? I feel like Herm has become Peter Gibbons from "Office Space". He is trying to get fired but the Chiefs just keep him around. It's only a matter of time before he pulls the Superman 3 extortion scheme with Tony Gonzalez. On the other hand, if you're a Chiefs fan (my condolences) then this is an absolute tragedy. Let's look at the list of coaches who have already been fired: Mike Shanahan, Eric Mangini, Romeo Crennell and Mike Martz. How Herm Edwards is not on that list is beyond me. I know he'll be fired soon, probably within the next few weeks, but I just wish he could stay in our lives forever, much like Tony Romo, Shannon Sharpe and A-Rod.

3. It's about time the world recognizes what an enormous asshole Brett Favre is and it took just two Jets players comments to bring this to light. Apparently, according to an anonymous player, the Ol' Gunslinger spent his free time in a private office away from his teammates. Then the same player stated that Favre, not Mangini, was the reason the Jets didn't make the playoffs. So the Ol' Gunslinger ruined the Jets season and got the coach fired. OF COURSE they would resent him for that. Then Thomas Jones goes on Hot 97 (Naturally) and calls out the Ol' Gunslinger for jeopardizing the game, saying that Favre should have been taken out. Brett Favre ended last season throwing an interception right into the hands of Corey Webster to set up the game winning Tynes field goal. This year, Brett Favre ended the season by destroying a team and getting a man fired. Where are all the puff pieces now?

4. Holy Guacamole! We here at Ramon Hernandez Put Down the Gun have just about annihilated our livers! To say that we beat our livers like a red headed step child is an understatement. To say we put our livers through a SAW-style torturing is also an understatement. When we die within the next 6 weeks, our bodies will be embalmed in Jack Daniels and enshrined in the drinking hall of fame.  We couldn't even give our livers away, they are so battered and bruised. I bet our livers looks like a piece of driftwood. And we couldn't be prouder.

5. The Detroit Lions lost 16 games this year. Now I know lots of people out there feel sorry for this bunch and were hoping they'd at least get one win. I say screw that. We can't feel bad for them because they suck. I suck at basketball and duck hunt. Do I expect everyone to feel bad for me? No way! This is a glorious feat if I've ever seen one. There are games when a team doesn't do anything to win. They just let the other team fuck up enough to lose. I'd venture to guess that this happens probably 2-3 times a season for every team. The Lions had those opportunities and they blew it. The Lions need to release a commemorative DVD chronicling this season. The cover should show Dan Orlovsky running out of bounds for a safety on the cover. That won me a cool million dollars. So let me be one of the assholes to say Congratulations, Detroit Lions. You've taken that franchise to the peak of shit mountain. Just remember that shit rolls downhill. The Chiefs are poised to join your club with Herm Edwards still at the helm.