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The Giants Are Not In Superbowl So I Don't Give A Fuck

posted Jan 28, 2009, 8:48 AM by Steven Seagal   [ updated Feb 15, 2009, 11:46 AM ]
Alright, I get it. The Superbowl is this Sunday. After a few weeks of pretending it didn't exist, it's about time I acknowledge that this game will be played whether I like it or not. It's easy to ignore this game because I wish the Giants were in Tampa Bay right now answering the stupid questions from men in dresses, bikini-clad El Telemundo reporters and a suicidal Tiki Barber. But the Giants aren't in Tampa Bay. The Giants are at home. At the start of the season there were such high hopes. Let's take a gander at the Giants season from it's hopeful beginning to it's hopeless end.

- DE Osi Umenyiora was injured in a preseason game and missed the entire season.
-The Giants couldn't put away the Bengals in regulation and had to beat them in overtime. It really could have been worse. They could have tied. Oh wait nevermind. I'll get to that later.
- WR Steve Smith's home was invaded and robbed. You'd think former USC players would be used to guns but alas, they are not.
- WR Plaxico Burress shoots himself in the leg in a NYC nightclub. Burress, Mr. Plaxico Burress, Esq., Antonio Pierce and the Giants' brass attempt cover up, fail miserably and Burress ends up suspended for the season. Real smooth, fellas.
- Giants have no. 2 ranked defense led by the Destroyer of Worlds.
- Giants have no. 1 ranked rushing offense led by Creator of the Universe.
- Eli remains the paradigm for the term "game manager" behind stellar rushing game.
- Tiki Barber still doesn't have a Superbowl ring.
- Giants clinch home field advantage throughout playoffs in a Sunday night game over Panthers.
- Giants lose three of last four games. Granted, they already wrapped up the division and attained no. 1 seed status, but still warrants mentioning.
- Justin Tuck vows to play on one leg if necessary. He then eats twelve children in 3.4 seconds in kid eating contest against himself.
- Giants lose to Eagles in playoffs. That's the same Eagles team that suffered a tie at the feeble hands of the Bengals. Eli goes from "game manager" to "McDonalds' Manager".
- WR Taye Biddle suffers bullet wounds to his hand and his leg in his hometown of Decatur, Alabama. This leads to a bitter Patriots fan telling me that perhaps the Giants should only sign bullet proof wide receivers. Unfortunately, I agree.
- Finally Steve Spagnuolo abandons ship for the head coaching gig in St. Louis. This probably would have happened if the Giants were to make it to the Superbowl but it hurts nonetheless.

Sure that's predominantly a pessimistic view of the season but how could I not look at that way after the end of last season? That sounds pretentious as fuck and it is. The Giants beat the Patriots last year, started off this season swinging away like wrecking ball in a day care center, and inevitably took the position of a despised team pretty quickly. I guess it was the bandwagon overload. Or they were just too awesome for normal humans to comprehend. But after seeing some Giants fans destroy a Porsche in the parking lot following the embarrassing Eagles win and an overweight fan crying, I have to say that I don't blame people for hating the Giants. (Don't believe me about those stories? The links are below, you cynical fuckwagons)
After a few weeks, I've decided that maybe it was for the best that the Giants aren't in the Superbowl. Yeah, that sounds terrible, but after this season, maybe the bandwagon needs to crash and let a few members burn to death. Plus, a healthy Osi will be back next year. And they'll also be ANGRY. So much for a post about the Superbowl. God dammit, I hate the world.

Giants Fans Destroy Porsche:  http://www.nj.com/giants/index.ssf/2009/01/giants_fans_destroy_porsche_je.html
Giants Fan Cries After Loss:   http://kissingsuzykolber.uproxx.com/2009/01/boo-fucking-hoo.html
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