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The Creator of the Universe Cares Not For Braylon Edwards, Anquan Boldin or Humor

posted May 12, 2009, 7:50 AM by Steven Seagal   [ updated May 12, 2009, 2:59 PM ]
The ears of the world were blessed on Saturday as Brandon Jacobs made a public announcement regarding the circulating rumor of Braylon Edwards coming to the NY Giants. "I don't want him" Jacobs bellowed from His throne before thousands of sobbing peons. When the dust had cleared and the fires had been extinguished, Jacobs then thundered down from His skull fortress, "I just think the chemistry between the teammates that I have now is great. I'm glad that we didn't go forward and get him or Boldin". At that moment, entire cities had turned to withering ash and the oceans ran red with the blood of the unworthy.
The Giants were in the position before the draft to trade one or more of their many draft picks for either Browns pass dropper Braylon Edwards or metal faced Cardinals receiver Anquan Boldin but the Giants chose not to make any move, baffling NFL analysts everywhere. Those who were baffled suffered at the hands of the Creator when their eyes melted from their eye sockets and their hands were lopped off by the Creators army of ogres, aptly named The Creatogres.
Before the Creator finished His earthquake inducing statement on both Boldin and Edwards, He gave a prediction for the 2009 season screaming, "I'm putting us in the Big Dance early, and whoever's listening I don't really care whether you like it". According to those who study the apocalypse, the " Whoever's listening" quip by the Creator signified a mellowing as it is impossible for anyone not to hear the Creator's prediction, even from the farthest reaches of the Creator's universe. Those same members of the apocalyptic study group were then cast into the the farthest reaches of space for suggesting Brandon Jacob even joke about the 2009 season.
The picture above was taken after Brandon Jacobs told His masses that the Giants didn't need Braylon Edwards or Anquan Boldin. Jacobs is believed to have turned the oceans into blood so that it may quench His thirst during this long off season.