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Really? Elisha Was Sacked 8 Times? Fucking Fuck Fuck. Who Do I Blame?

posted Dec 15, 2008, 11:07 AM by Steven Seagal   [ updated Feb 15, 2009, 12:34 PM ]
Now I know God hates the Yankees. I can live with that. I know the Giants won the Superbowl last year and I shouldn't complain because that was one of the greatest moments of my life. That's right up there with the time I lost my virginity in a threesome with 2 Victoria's Secret models. I was 12 at the time. Now about this Giants season, I shouldn't complain. I keep telling myself that I shouldn't complain but now what am I supposed to do? The Giants have been dominant all year and in the past two weeks they have been a mere shell of the team that started the season. I could blame the Fagboys' exotic blitz schemes. I can blame the Giants offensive line. I can blame Kevin Kilbride for letting shit go crazy. I can even blame Brandon Jacobs for lying and saying his knee was busted when we all know he was in outer space eating planets. I won't blame any of those people I just listed though. I blame you God. Hey God, you fucking clown molester, you ruined my life. Why can't I just get drunk and watch the Giants kill the Fagboys? Was that so difficult? If you allow that shit to happen again next week I am going to march my bitter ass up to the pearl white gates of heaven and burn that fucking place to the ground. St. Peter? Fuck him. He is going to wish he was crucified upside down with a picthfork up his ass after I'm done with him. Your son Jesus? Oh boy, I'm going to take my time with him. So this is a warning. I'm not going to do anything rash yet. I am going to calmly drink 26 beers before the game and later watch with anticipation that the Giants defense will accumulate 37 sacks and 18 interceptions. Brandon Jacobs, who is clearly the most important player on the team, will pound the Panthers offensive line into submission so that Wind and Fire can twinkle toes their way down the field untouched. Elisha, our warrior poet, will chuck the pigskin a quarter mile. The trajectory of the pigskin will remind me of the time I lost my virginity to 2 Victoria's Secret models (I have to mention that again). Everything about this game will remind me of that event in my life because this game will be just that good. So there you go God, you bitch, make all this happen and maybe I will forgive you for the past two weeks of Giants ineptitude.