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Pittsburgh City Council Renames the City "Sixburgh"

posted Feb 3, 2009, 11:21 AM by Steven Seagal   [ updated Feb 15, 2009, 11:43 AM ]
Following the Steeler's epic-best-ever-orgasmic-scrumptulescent or whatever people are calling this Superbowl victory, the Pittsburgh city council renamed the city to Sixburgh. Councilman Bruce Kraus (FAG!) issued the statement as a commendation to the "Rooney Family for bringing notoriety to the City of Pittsburgh".
First of all, Slow Down there City Council! That council is one witty group of people. Forget about Pittsburgh, how about Wittsburgh! I can only imagine the wild times happening in the hallowed chambers of city council meetings. But I digress. Great name, fellas but I would have gone for a different name. After about 5 minutes of coming up with different names, here are the finalists: "Depressedburgh", "Poorburgh", "Dicksburgh", "SucksDicksburgh", "FatChicksburgh", "YourThroatShouldBeSlitburgh" and of course the ever popular "Shitsburgh".
Now let's move on, shall we?  I have a problem with that statement about the Rooney family "bringing notoriety to the city of Pittsburgh". I was always under the impression that the failed steel industry, steep population decline, and the Pittsburgh Pirates were bringing too much notoriety to the Burgh. Maybe the Rooney family should sit this next round out and let the rest of the nation soak in the city's other gems.
And finally, and most importantly,  what kind of notoriety can the city get from having a player like center Justin Hartwig on the city's most popular team? Hey Justin Hartwig, what the fuck were you thinking committing a holding penalty while your team is backed up all the way into your own endzone? Did you realize such an offense would give the other team two points? Have you ever heard of a safety? Did you realize I had a BILLION DOLLARS riding on the safety bet? Fuck you, Justin Hartwig. Fuck you with a scolding hot tire iron dipped in acid.
So there you have it fine residents of Pittsburgh. Pittsburgh is now called Sixburgh for the remainder of 2009. Adjust your stationary, checkbooks, and welfare checks accordingly. Justin Hartwig, watch your back.