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NFL GMs Discuss New Draft Strategy In Light Of Recent Brain Damage Study

posted Jan 29, 2009, 7:15 AM by Steven Seagal   [ updated Feb 15, 2009, 11:45 AM ]
A new study by Boston University' school of medicine found that several former players suffered from chronic traumatic encephalopathy brought about by severe head trauma, prompting NFL general managers to tackle their draft strategy a bit differently. Giants GM Jerry Reese was the first to think outside the box, so to speak, at a league wide general managers meeting when he said "Maybe we should draft just full on mentally retarded people, you know, because the normal guys are going to end up retarded in 20 years anyway." It may have seemed like a cheap shot aimed at the NFL for not providing financial support for retired NFL players with deteriorating health, but Reese's statement was as genuine as a retarded kid's undying love for his plastic bag collection. Jets GM Mike Tannenbaum laughed it off at first, but quickly realized that Reese had stumbled upon a goldmine and declared, "Since they're retarded already, we could pay them in ice cream or pogs or whatever retards play with." Oakland Raider GM Al Davis seemed the most enthusiastic about the idea. Davis went on to say "The Raiders were great in the 70s because they were all coked up.  I thought cocaine strength was powerful, then there was roid rage which was even more powerful. Gentleman, we can  have something that will surpass both coke strength and roid rage. We could have retard rage in the NFL." When Washington Redskins GM Vinny Cerrato asked Davis what retard rage was, Davis simply said "Go find a retard, maybe Ben Roethlisberger if he's around, and take away his ice cream or whatever the retard is clutching with his retard hands.  Then see what happens."
After hearing of the new draft strategy, Roger Goodell praised the move and stated "This is a bold new step for the NFL. Since the future of the NFL will consist of congenitally retarded players, we don't have to worry about making normal people retarded later in their life. Also, No one will care if the retards get hurt or die because retards aren't real people anyway."