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Mel Kiper Jr. Found To Be Masturbating While Talking About NFL Draft

posted Apr 21, 2009, 12:36 PM by Steven Seagal
This story should come as no surprise to those who follow ESPN's NFL Draft. Draft guru Mel Kiper Jr. admitted this morning that he is feverishly masturbating every time he is asked to talk about the the NFL draft on ESPN. "It doesn't matter" a jittery Kiper said after being notified that this confession may jeopardize his career, "Once I start talking about all the different positions, young tight ends, weak defensive ends, tweeners, sacks and busts, I just can't control myself".  ESPN has supposedly been aware of Kiper's problem as cameras only show him from the torso up. Todd McShay, ESPN's other Draft expert, told reporters that "[Kiper] grinds his teeth and grunts when I say things like 'waist bender' or 'fluid in the hips' to describe a player. I've gotten used to it". A Ramon Hernandez Put Down The Gun reporter decided to challenge Kiper by asking him "Which player would you like to have on your team", creating air quotes with his fingers around the word team, "to bull rush a tight end who shows great forward lean, can get deep and handles balls well?". While being asked the question, Kiper Jr., now sitting behind a desk, began violently jerking his right arm under the desk, all while his face appeared to turn a deep crimson.