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Letter from Justin Tuck

posted Apr 1, 2009, 10:30 AM by Steven Seagal   [ updated Apr 1, 2009, 11:09 AM ]
Today we received a letter from Justin Tuck, known to the masses as the Destroyer of Worlds. Well it's not so much a letter but a dead body with a message seared into it's flesh, most likely seared by mind lasers. Since this is a family website, we decided to not show you a photograph of the dead body message, mostly because we will use it for masturbatory purposes. We have transcribed the message here for you today. As per his instructions, we have inserted links for the Destroyer's descriptions to persons, places, objects and events which have had a profound effect on all of our lives. Here is what the Destroyer had to say....

My Feeble Masses,
     As the Destroyer of Worlds, I'm going to drop some knowledge on you. You know why? Because I can, dammit, that's why. So without further ado, here is said knowledge about to be dropped on your worthless face.
 I love to hate. I thoroughly enjoy hating teams I face, players with stupid faces and objects in my path toward total destruction. If I ever met you, I'd probably hate you too. In fact, just knowing that you're out there right now, reading this godly post, I can say to you, oh faceless reader, that I despise your presence on this foul Earth of mine.
 I'm also a lucky Destroyer of Worlds, because this hatred is all within my murderous fingertips. In my division, and yes it is my division, I get to stomp the gay out of Tony Romo, I get to crush the life out of Donovan McNabb, I get to beat the daylights out of your family, friends, girlfriend, wife and mailman. You'll regretfully ask, but Destroyer, "I'm not in your division, am I?", which, fortunately for me, will be the last time you ever speak.
 I believed my luck had run out this off season. Initially, the Destroyer was excited to face a Cutler-led Broncos during the 2009 season, only to be devastated to learn that Cutler would be leaving his team over a lover's quarrel with Denver head coach, Josh McDaniels. I wanted to fly, yes the Destroyer has the ability to fly, over to Denver and squeeze Cutler in my boa-constrictor-times-infinity grip until he remained no more. Those plans were shattered but as the rumors of a trade to Washingston continue to swirl like  village-destroying tornadoes I conjure in my sleep, my excitement rebounds. The Redskins are in MY division and I get to face the Redskins twice during the regular season. That means I get to KILL Jay Cutler twice in a span on 5 months. Don't question the plausibility of slaying Cutler twice because I'll kill everyone you know in a second. In that second, I will also make a billion dollars. Life sucks for you.
 This post is merely getting me worked up into a frenzy. The last time I was this excited was the day after Christmas in 2004, I had just received a satchel of babies for breakfast, and well, I killed a shitload of people. A few months later, I got excited again after being drafted by the NY Giants and I prematurely ejaculated all over New Orleans.  I must refrain from such excitement though. This is why the NFL must acquiesce to my demands. Jay Cutler should be traded to the Redskins and it is you, oh faceless worthless heathens of my world, who will make this happen. If you value your life, your family's life and your mailman's life, then you will implore world leaders to put enormous amounts of pressure on NFL commissioner Roger Goodell so that he can hasten this trade.
                                                Your Welcome,
                                                    The Destroyer of Worlds