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Holy Fuckin' Shit, It's Been 1 Month Since We Posted an NFL Story

posted Aug 23, 2009, 4:58 PM by Steven Seagal   [ updated Aug 23, 2009, 5:26 PM ]
Alright, so you've probably noticed that we've been rather preoccupied lately.  If I respected you at all, I'd consider explaining myself, but we all know that I don't.  Plaxico has been sentenced to 2 years for abandoning the Giants at the start of their stretch run, Favre has broken the heart of every remaining poor washed up papa's boy cheesehead by signing with their archrivals, and the Philadelphia Fuckheads signed another black quarterback.  Most importantly of all, the boy wonder signed a record breaking deal to lead our brave men into the promised land for the next 6 consecutive years.  This website doesn't make a lot of predictions, but we feel fairly comfortable declaring the Giants superbowl champions for the duration of that contract.  We will re-evaluate our NFL predictions for a new column in 2015, but it doesn't seem like it makes much sense to offer a column until then, since it's already all but determined.

In any event, it is less than 1 month until the Giants begin their 6 year reign of terror and I couldn't be more excited.  In order to give better rationalize my raging alcoholism by excusing my already heavy drinking habits on Sundays with "well, I'm watching 10 football games, I have to drink 10 times as much as if I were just watching 1" as well as to give better coverage to this website, we will be ordering the NFL Sunday Ticket this year.  I want to stress that this has nothing to do with Dennis Leary, and everything to do with football and booze.  Why does DirectTV even feel the need to advertise this service?  It pretty much sells itself.  Pocket Dennis Leary's endorsement contract and offer this Holy Grail of Football for 10 bucks less for all subscribers.

Anyway, we're slowly breaking out of our August Sabbatical and will probably begin posting stories more frequently.  You can get off the ledge and check this site every couple of hours again, Dr. Foxyrotten.  In the meantime, take a look at the NFC East and email me if you don't have a boner.  I'll block your access to this site and get you on an FBI watch list, because you're surely a terrorist.  Talk to you soon, jerks.

Osi is back, and he doesn't have a nickname from this site.  If Tom Verducci were to write a preview of the most compelling storyline of the upcoming NFL season, it would be our development of a nickname for Osi.  And it'd be the most compelling thing he has ever written.