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Giants' Boley Suspended for Having a Wife Who Doesn't Understand That He Beats Her Because He Loves Her So Much

posted Jul 8, 2009, 9:45 AM by Steven Seagal   [ updated Jul 8, 2009, 12:27 PM ]
Last night, my other personality and I were feasting on charred animal flesh (read: baby), watching the Triple A Mets-Dodgers game and enjoying a fine bottle of red wine (read: hooker blood), when the game was interrupted by a game break announcement from SNY headquarters.

I wasn't paying any attention to the announcement until I heard that the Giants' "big free agent acquisition" had been suspended, only I wasn't allowed to know who it was unless I watched SNY's sports show after the game. Well, fuck that, I thought. I'm going to look that shit up on the internet. Take that, SNY sports show.

It turns out that the Giants' "big free agent acquisition" was linebacker Michael Boley, formerly of the Hotlanta Dog Rapists (Hot Dog Rapists?). Boley was suspended by the Rog Goodell and Co. after Boley was arrested in May 2008 and subsequently charged with assault and battery after his wife accused him of being "too physical" during an argument. This is wrong on so many levels, as most male Ramon Hernandez Put Down The Gun readers agree, but let me explain this situation to the female Ramon Hernandez Put Down The Gun readers.

Michael Boley most likely loves his wife. I've never met the man. I've never stood over a dead hooker and devised a plan to get rid of the body with Michael. I never even knew he signed with the Giants. But I can tell you, Michael loves his wife.

How do I know this? It's pretty obvious because he wouldn't have beaten her if he didn't love her. He wouldn't waste his time beating the daylights out of her if she wasn't worth the trouble. If he didn't love her with all his heart, the argument wouldn't have escalated to the point where Boley was required to express how much he loves his dear wife by punching her in the face. Boley simply would have gone bowling or some shit. He beat her because he loves her, it's that simple.

She even knew this too, which further damages her credibility. She didn't just call the police because he was physical with her. Boley was "too physical" with her. That means she normally expects some physical abuse for forgetting to wash the car, do the laundry or some other mistake. She should expect harsher abuse, that would fall under the tag "too physical", for mistakes that range far outside the realm of everyday transgressions. Such transgressions include having children, talking back and eye contact.

Michael Boley's wife doesn't understand him, or any man for that matter. Mrs. Michael Boley was terrified, confused and most likely surfing the crimson wave at the time, so she chose the most unreasonable approach to ending the argument: The Pigs. She could have taken her shots and let the dispute, which was probably her fault, fall by the wayside but once the police got involved, that was the point of no return. She put her meal ticket on the line once she dialed 9-1-1. The police could slap Boley with a fine but an authority higher than law enforcement could slap Boley with an even stiffer penalty.

It's no guarded secret that commissioner Roger Goodell is systematically dismantling all of the liberties awarded to athletes in the NFL. No longer can an athlete kill a man or a dog. Athletes can no longer drive drunk or stoned. Under the watchful eye of Goodell, athletes can't even control their bitches with violence. Those athletes who have basked in the warm glow of misdemeanor and felony bliss, have suffered at the hands of the Stalinesque punishment of Lord Goodell. By calling the police on that fateful May night, Mrs Boley put her husband's career on the line. She ripped food out of her childrens' mouths. Michael Boley would no longer fear the United States judicial system. He would suffer the wrath of the National Football League's judicial system which, in terms of sheer terror, is somewhere between Guantanamo Bay and working the ice cream stand at the Special Olympics.

For this transgression, she probably deserves another beating. And do you know why she deserves another beating? It's because her husband, a hard working linebacker in the National Football League, loves her so much that he has to beat his love into her when she makes a mistake. When he becomes too physical with her, it's just more love coming out of the guy. Those battered women who claim that their husbands or boyfriends beat them because they love them aren't disillusioned or brainwashed as the Lifetime channel claims them to be. They are enlightened. Let's use Mrs. Michael Boley as a example of what not to do, ladies.