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Fly, Eagles, Fly!

posted Dec 22, 2008, 12:50 PM by Steven Seagal   [ updated Feb 15, 2009, 12:28 PM ]
As we enter the last week of the NFL regular season, with two playoff spots in the NFC to be decided, it's time to for Ramon Hernandez Put Down The Gun's endorsements for Week 17 victories.  While these are not intended as "picks," the will of Ramon Hernandez Put Down the Gun is so strong that our endorsements virtually assure victory, so bet accordingly:
  • The Philadelphia Eagles over The Dallas Cowboys:  Calm down, Dr. Foxyrotten.  We're not on your bandwagon, we're certainly not your friends, and we clearly don't want anything good to happen to the Eagles.  However, as much as both teams should lose this game, one of them unfortunately has to win (since there are no ties in the NFL.)  Sorry - I generally try to keep away from the low hanging fruit, but it was just too tempting - like asking Andy Reid to pass up a cheesesteak.  Shit, I did it again.  A Cowboys loss coupled with a Tampa Bay victory eliminates Tony Romo and The Douchebags from the playoffs.  Ideally, Romo will botch a hold on a game winning field goal as regulation expires and a 200 car freight train carrying Liquid Propane Gas derails and converges on the Linc at the 50 yard line where a 757 full of players' wives plummets to the ground, consuming the stadium, fans, players, and wives in a giant fireball - but now I'm just getting greedy.
  • The Tampa Bay Buccaneers over The Oakland Raiders:  This should be an easy one, but the Bucs victory eliminates the Cowboys from the playoffs.  The liklihood of a Bucs victory heightens the importance of the Eagles overcoming the Cowgirls this week, because otherwise it's just another standard Oakland loss.
  • The Chicago Bears over The Green Bay Packers (Week 16 leftover) and The Houston Texans:  This chain of events would eliminate both the Eagles and the Vikings from the playoffs - and it's just good for the NFL considering the Eagles won't exist after Week 17's terrible LP train tragedy.  Why not just root for the Vikings, for whom a victory would eliminate the Eagles, you ask?  One, because they're playing the Giants next week, douchebag.  And two, because I have an irrational hatred for them which stems from vague memories of a Giants loss at the hands of the Vikings in an awful game where they Giants outgained the Viks by like 400 yards and still somehow lost a couple of years ago.  And three, never ask me to justify myself to you again, or you'll wish you hadn't.
  • Obviously, The New York Giants over The Minnesota Vikings:  If you have to ask, you're an asshole.
These are the endorsements for Week 17.  I'm not even going to get into the AFC, mainly because I don't really care. I'm going to flap my arms like an Eagles fan moron and cheer for Donovan.  In Week 17 - Fly, Eagles, Fly!
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