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Exclusive Interview with Ed Werder

posted Jan 15, 2009, 10:04 AM by Steven Seagal   [ updated Feb 15, 2009, 11:57 AM ]
ESPN's Ed Werder, no stranger to the Dallas Cowboys soap opera, is now reporting that Terrell Owens may get cut by the Cowboys. Werder appears to have a veritable source within the Cowboys organization as shown through his previous reportorial work on the Witten/Romo/Owens menage a trois (or rift if you want to be a dick about it). If the Cowboys were to release T.O., this would provide further enjoyment for Cowboy haters who bask in the misfortune of this preseason Superbowl favorite.
Since everyone enjoys picking on the Cowboys, and by picking on them we mean, hoping the team gets eaten by alligators, we felt that there should be a news story on the man reporting everything Cowboy related. Since we at Ramon Hernandez Put Down the Gun follow the official journalism credo of "Do whatever it takes, ruin as many people's lives, so long as we can make a name for ourselves as an investigatory journalists, no matter how many friends we lose or people we leave dead and bloodied along the way", we were able to track down Mr. Werder and conduct an interview with the man. We found Mr. Werder at his home and upon entering his humble abode, we stumbled across the following painting, (shown below) and knew we were in for a wild interview.

US AWESOME DUDES: Mr. Werder, I'm sure everyone has asked you already, but can you name your source for us?

WERDER: Sure, the source is Jessica Simpson's bitch, Little Tony Romo. You see Jessica wants him to be the star of the Cowboys so she leads him by his lil weeny and tells him to report every fight, scuffle and makeout session that occurs in the Cowboys locker room.

US AWESOME DUDES: That sounds about right, except for the part about Tony Romo having a lil weeny. We're pretty much convinced he doesn't have a dick at all.

WERDER: I was surprised myself, even after all these years of covering that team, I'm still surprised to learn that some Cowboys do have units. Some isn't the right word. Very few of them have dicks and the ones that do are like sultans in that room. The rest of the players, well you can consider them the harem because what they do is, they all get together and take off their clothes and break out the oil and....

US AWESOME DUDES: Okay Eddy, we don't care about that shit. You keep that to yourself. We're serious. Don't even write a tell-all book about it. Alright, we know who your source is, but tell us who is the source of all the Cowboys drama? There has to be one person or perhaps a few people who are to blame for the Cowboys failures.

WERDER: I'm glad you asked. The source of failure is Jerry Jones. That hillbilly son of a bitch is constantly throwing prima donnas on the field hoping that talent alone will be enough to form a cohesive team. The team needs chemistry. Every team that fosters a winning attitude in the locker room, fosters wins on the football field. This team that Jerry Jones assembled only fosters the physical communication of venereal diseases one normally sees in a Chelsea bathhouse.

US AWESOME DUDES: Mr. Werder, you work for ESPN, but it appears that you only seem to report news on the Cowboys. It leads us, as well as many Cowboys and quite frankly Stephen A. Smith, to believe that you have a bit of disdain for the Cowboys. Is this a true assessment?

WERDER: You're abso-fucking-lutely right. I hate the Cowboys. From Jerry Jones YEE HAWWING his way around town, to T.O. speaking in the third person, even quiet Jason Witten bitching about being called "a name" by T.O. Every time Tony Romo fails, I buy my daughter a present. You know how spoiled that little bitch is now? Jesus, she has six fucking ponies already! And look at the painting I have on the wall, for Christsake! ESPN gave me the freedom to report on anything, from outdoor arctic water polo to women's ice hockey and I told them I just want to expose the Cowboys as the worst assembly of human beings in history, even worse than the supposed World War II French "army" if you can call those cheese eating surrender monkeys an army at all. I think I'm doing a pretty good job of it this season. Just wait until Pacman decides to kill someone else. I'll be right on top of that one.

US AWESOME DUDES: Thanks Mr. Werder. You're doing the world a wonderful service.
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