posted Mar 25, 2009, 9:22 AM by Steven Seagal
On the morning after the Super Bowl, Mike Tomlin snubbed Cleveland Plain Dealer** reporter at his Super Bowl Victory press conference. Clevelanders (beats the fuck out of me) were furious. Tuesday morning, Tomlin was reminded of his actions and the subsequent Cleveland reaction, to which he responded, unapologetically and caustically, "I'm not looking for any friends in Cleveland."
Ramon Hernandez Put Down The Gun reporters tracked down Eric Mangini, new head coach of the Cleveland Browns, hoping for some fiery rhetoric in Pittsburgh's direction to represent Cleveland's side of this age old rivalry. Here is the conversation in its entirety:
RHPDTG: "Eric, do you have any reaction to Coach Tomlin's actions or to his unapologetic comments regarding those actions?"
Mangini: "No, I agree with Mike 100%. I'm not looking to make any friends in Cleveland, Ohio, either - and soon everyone in Ohio will see this."
RHPDTG: "But Eric, you've been named coach of the Cleveland Browns after your dismissal from the New York Jets. Don't you think you should try to win the fans over?"
Mangini: "Do you think I have any friends in New York?"
RHPDTG: "Good point."
Mangini: "The fact is, ... what the fuck am I supposed to call you? Steven Seagal? Okay, whatever. The fact is, Stev.... The fact is, MR. SEAGAL, that during the course of the season I plan to inexplicably abandon my pass rush virtually altogether. This will allow opposing quarterbacks to get comfortable in the pocket and pick apart our defense, thus allowing their running game to flourish as well. I want to make it clear that I will not start the season with this strategy, but will evolve into it before the Clevelandites' very eyes. This strategy ensures that everyone will know we're actually kind of a decent team, but the season is tanking out of sheer mismanagement. Also, I plan to identify a very hot player on the offensive side of the ball, then proceed to limit his touches to 1 to 2 per game."
RHPDTG: "Well, Eric, it sounds like you've got it all figured out. Good luck this year!"
Mangini: "Thanks! The key is to set the right goals. When you have done that, you will have no trouble achieving them."
There you have it, folks. We are confident in Mangini's ability, as well. Good luck, Cleveland.
**What the fuck kind of a name for a newspaper is this? Are you trying to reassure me that I should trust your coverage, because, after all, you're a "plain dealer?" This sounds like a tactic a used car salesman would try to adopt.