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Bruce Springsteen Rapes America During Superbowl Halftime Show

posted Feb 2, 2009, 5:44 AM by Steven Seagal   [ updated Feb 15, 2009, 11:44 AM ]

NFL officials thought they had made the safe choice in having Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band perform this year's Superbowl halftime show, but things didn't go over too smoothly. While performing the classic tune "Tenth Avenue Freezeout", Springsteen attempted what appeared to be a harmless rock slide, but continued forward with his throbbing member. Springsteen forced himself onto the left stage camera, grinding feverishly until his johnson had been placated. Initially, Springsteen's actions could be best described as "dry humping", a term used loosely among hormonally charged teenagers, but Tampa Bay Crisis Center attorney Saul Lazarus said Springsteen took himself too far. In a statement published in the Tampa Bay Times, Lazarus explained that "By pushing himself in suggestive manner into a camera, the same camera that was being viewed by roughly 90 million hardworking Americans, Mr. Springsteen systematically forced himself on a reluctant American public. Bruce Springsteen raped America". When news of the rape reached the conciousness of every day blue collar Americans, the consensus response was tersely stated as simply "Cool" or "Bruuuuuccceee".

ESPN, the self pronounced Worldwide leader in sports, has already labeled the controversial halftime show as "Rapegate" with updates scrolling across the bottom of the all 17 ESPN channels every 2 minutes.  ESPN productions have also put together three "Sportcentury" programs on "Rapegate" which are set to premier after another pointless Obama interview or Roger Clemens steroid story.

Springsteen, shown above, is a few mere seconds away from raping you. You probably deserved it though for dressing like a slut.