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AFC Playoff Scenario

posted Dec 26, 2008, 8:32 AM by Steven Seagal   [ updated Feb 15, 2009, 12:26 PM ]

The whole playoff scenario this year is more complicated than that scene in Bram Stoker's Dracula where Keanu Reeves is supposed to be upset with the vampire bitches who are feasting on a baby. I'll never understand why he was upset, but mark my  words, I will understand why a specific team makes the playoffs after this Sunday. Since the New York Football Giants Football team (sorry that was a bit Chris Bermanesque of me) are already in with home field advantage and a BYE, I say fuck that shit. We just need the Cowboys and Eagles to end their seasons on Sunday. I'll just focus on the AFC for now.

 The Dolphins will make the playoffs if the following occurs:
              Dolphins beat the Jets
                 OR
              Dolphins tie with Jets AND Patriots lose/tie at Buffalo
                 OR
              Dolphins tie with Jets AND Baltimore loses to Jacksonville (AND Patriots win)

The Jets will make the playoffs if the following occurs:
              Jets beat the Dolphins AND Patriots loss
                 OR
              Jets beat the Dolphins, Baltimore loss AND Patriots win/tie

The Patriots will make the playoffs if the following occurs:
              Patriots beat the Bills AND Miami lose/tie at Jets
                 OR
              Patriots tie Bills AND Miami loses
                 OR
              Patriots beat the Bills AND Baltimore loss/tie
                 OR
              Patriots tie AND Baltimore loses

The Ravens will make the playoffs if the following occurs:
              The Ravens beat the Jagwires
                 OR
              The Patriots lose to the Bills
                 OR
              The Ravens tie AND the Patriots and/or the Dolphins tie
 
The Broncos or Chargers will make the playoffs if the following occurs:
              One of the teams lose to each other, which I might say is pretty damn hard
              considering both these teams are damn good at losing.
 
Confused? You would be, retard. Now instead of trying to reread this over again, how about we just tell you what you want to happen? Good, I'm glad we are in agreement. We want the Dolphins to beat the Jets, The Ravens to beat the Jagwires and the Patriots to beat the Bills. Why do we want this to happen? Because we want everyone to be miserable. The Patriots will finish with an 11-5 record and go home early, while either Jay "Veal" Cutler or Philly Rivers will go into the playoffs with their horrible 8-8 records. The Patriots had it good. Then Brady Boy got injured. But now it's time for them to suffer some more. The Jets just blew a huge amount of money on free agent acquisitions and also got the Ol' Gunslinger in a trade. The Jets pushed aside Chad Pennington who then signed with the Dolphins. There is poetic justice knowing that Chad can get revenge on his former team but knocking them from the playoff picture. We also HATE Brett Favre. I hope Joey Porter rips off Brett's arms and beats Brett's wife and possibly his own wife to death with them. I hope for a lot of things, but this one, I really want to happen. Well that's it for the AFC playoff scenario. Maybe if I'm sober enough, I'll post the NFC playoff scenario. Maybe If I'm not sober enough, you can go fuck yourself.
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