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Advice for Plaxico Burress

posted Nov 29, 2008, 9:40 AM by Steven Seagal   [ updated Feb 15, 2009, 12:49 PM ]
You've likely heard by now that Plaxico Burress is out for an undetermined period of time due to a self inflicted gunshot wound.  At press time, the extent and severity of his wounds are unknown - except that they are not life threatening.  If you're literate (I don't know how you got here if you aren't), you can read the title of this website and probably surmise that I prefer blades to guns.  If you're illiterate, you've likely seen Under Siege, in which I play a Navy Seal chef who defends a warship and a stripper or something with nothing but a paring knife.  Either way, I think Plax can now see the wisdom in this - any respectable blade should be kept in a sheath, thus making self inflected wounds unlikely.  Plus, every man should know the satisfaction of plunging steel into another man's flesh while staring him in the eye, in such close proximity that you can smell the stink of fear on his breath and bathe in his blood.  I'm not going to sit here and tell Plax to act like a boy scout and not carry a weapon.  Every self-respecting wide receiver deserves to be able to inflect mortal wounds both to an opposing defense on the field or to an opposing bouncer off the field.  I just recommend he carries a lethally sharp length of steel, instead.

Here at Steven Seagal Enterprises, we're always looking for an opportunity to capitalize on current events.  So while a samurai sword like this one is great for a Japense master like myself, your typical wide receiver probably would like something more subtle.  That's why I've decided to roll out the Steven Seagal Wide Receiver line of knives.  It folds into the handle when not in use to prevent accidental leg injuries, and it flips open with the flick of a wrist any wide receiver can master in seconds for quick shanking of bouncers, coaches, women, or fellow clubbers.  And if things get really out of hand, like the bitch say she pregnant or some shit - the serrated teeth at the bottom are great for sawing through bone, making body disposal a snap.  Finally, I've personally signed every one of these handsome knives, so you won't have to question the quality.