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New York Giants Defense Strikes First in NFC Divisional Showdown

posted Jan 11, 2012, 8:56 AM by Steven Seagal

"It's important for us to play power football, to establish our dominance early, and - most importantly - to intimidate their offense." - Justin Tuck

The Brett Favre Silver Lining

posted Jan 23, 2010, 2:15 AM by Steven Seagal   [ updated Mar 7, 2010, 4:27 PM ]

It is no secret that this website has been historically unkind to Brett Favre.  Oopha, not so sure about that one now, huh?  As I wipe the egg off of my face, I'd like to make it clear that I still hate Brett Favre - and what I am about to say does not change that:  despite all of the infuriating fawning media attention on the ol' Wrangler's "cinderella" playoff run, I have been able to garner some pleasure from the undeniably successful season Favre has put together in a Vikings uniform.  It dawned on me the other day.  You probably see where I'm going with this.
Aside from the Packers, not much is going on in Green Bay.  I'm not going to pretend to know what they're doing outside of football season, but I imagine it involves cheese.  And hoping Favre will retire and end their protracted misery caused by watching him play in a different uniform.  I imagine it's like hoping your ex girlfriend will die so you don't have to see her with another guy; something we can all relate to.  For Packers fans, its especially devastating because, well, look at this career (courtesy of wikipedia)

Favre is the only player to win the AP Most Valuable Player three consecutive times (1995–97).[4] He led the Packers to seven division championships (1995, 1996, 1997, 2002, 2003, 2004, and 2007), four NFC Championship Games (1995, 1996, 1997, and 2007), winning two (1996 and 1997), and two Super Bowl appearances, winning one (Super Bowl XXXI).

So, to continue the ex girlfriend metaphor and completely alienate any female fanbase who might have mistakenly wandered onto this site searching for pictures of Brett Favre with his shirt off, Brett Favre is like the ex girlfriend who gave great head all the time, and even let you try to put it in her ass back in '96 and '97.  Once successfully ('97).

I thought I'd throw the ladies a bone and insert a picture of Brett Favre with no shirt on in this location, but to Favre's credit it appears virtually impossible to find a such a picture online.  I came up empty, and now I might have to explain why I was G-image searching for "shirtless brett favre" at work.  This is the best I got.  Enjoy, ladies.

Retiring and signing with the Jets was one thing.  That was like seeing the ex in the supermarket with another guy you never met.  It stung a bit, but listen, you have a new girlfriend now, and although she's a bit sloppy at times, she definitely shows promise and committment to the cause.  She doesn't quite open her throat yet, but she's trying.  Unfortunately, you haven't had a thought to even mention anal to her, yet.
Things were going okay with your new girlfriend, and you heard the whole thing with the supermarket guy was on the rocks.  You were smiling.  Then, you open a door to the men's room in your favorite bar, and there she is... going down on the guy who used to kick the shit out of you in high school all the time.  He's wearing a red flannel shirt, and she's doing a great job.  And you can tell he's gearing up to try to put it in her ass.  And she just might let him.
The Brett Favre Silver Lining is that - although I have to listen to Joe Buck gargle on Favre's ballsack all the time - I also get to revel in the heartbreak of a rabid fanbase, which is one of my favorite pasttimes.  Think about it.  Brett Favre has a street named after him in Green Bay.  He is (he was) a god.  How many backwoods Wisconsin cheese farmers do you think there are out there who named their kid Brett because of Brett Favre?  I bet they beat that kid all the time now that Favre committed the ultimate betrayal in signing with and leading the Vikings deep into the playoffs.  I bet every Brett Favre completion garners at least one black eye in Wisconsin.  This brings a smile to my face.  If the Vikings do end up putting it in Favre's ass, I bet the intersection of Brett Favre Pass and Holmgren Way becomes infamous as the site of the bloodiest infanticide in history.  Thousands of cheese farmer Bretts will be destroyed.  I'm not gonna lie, that makes me want to root for the Vikings just a little bit.

How many battered wives and children do you think there are on Brett Favre Pass?  Every one of them makes up a little piece of the Brett Favre Silver Lining.



The Bernard Pollard Fan Club Just Got One Very Influential Member

posted Jan 10, 2010, 7:26 AM by Steven Seagal

Like almost every adult male in the country, I've recently become a very big Bernard Pollard fan:

Bernard Pollard should be on a rotating roster assignment, joining every team on the Patriots schedule from week to week

I know Belichek wants to blame Reliant Field; and, yes, Pollard didn't really directly cause Welker's injury.  But he definitely had a hand in it.  I did some research in an attempt to discover Pollard's extraordinary ability to wreak havoc on the Patriots, and I've discovered that he has a superhuman ability to cause a POWER OUTAGE in opposing players.  Just ask Tom Brady and Wes Welker.  If you don't believe me, see for yourself.

Pollard's superhuman abilities apparently date back to his Purdue days, and help to explain why he was selected to destroy the Patriots in the 2nd round of the 2006 NFL draft.

Hero Shawne Merriman Saves San Diego Motorists from "Drunk & Disorderly" Tila Tequila

posted Sep 12, 2009, 4:58 AM by Steven Seagal

We were walking down Fulton St the other day when we came across this magazine cover at a newsstand.  It took us awhile to figure out what the fuck "K  G" magazine was and we were too cheap to stop and buy the magazine.  We imagine this is currently the problem law enforcement has while investigating this story as well, so any San Diego area law enforcement officials or Merriman defense attorneys can send us personal thank you emails - it's "KING" Magazine (it's also the illest magazine ever.)  In any event, Mr. Merriman is obviously cleared of any wrongdoing by this publication, which proves beyond a reasonable doubt that Ms. Tequila was far too intoxicated to safely operate a motor vehicle.  Mr. Merriman was simply doing his civic duty by choking the shit out of her and throwing her on the ground, naked.

Remember - Buzzed Driving is Drunk Driving  And if you drive drunk - El Smacko.

Jon Gruden Doesn't Know How To Sum Up Adrian Peterson, But He's About To Try...

posted Aug 31, 2009, 5:09 PM by Steven Seagal

"You know, Adrian Peterson... I don't know how to sum this guy up, other than - He is a genetic freak.  You could light a match on his chest.  This guy is 220 pounds of chiseled strength.  And the thing that makes him rare, is he is a punishing beast between the tackles.  He can run you over and he has unbelievable elusiveness and great acceleration, Ron.  You just saw it right there."  - Jon Gruden, Monday 8/31

This photograph of the chiseled beast hangs over Gruden's bed.  I hope he saved some superlatives for, oh, I don't know... week 1.

Holy Fuckin' Shit, It's Been 1 Month Since We Posted an NFL Story

posted Aug 23, 2009, 4:58 PM by Steven Seagal   [ updated Aug 23, 2009, 5:26 PM ]

Alright, so you've probably noticed that we've been rather preoccupied lately.  If I respected you at all, I'd consider explaining myself, but we all know that I don't.  Plaxico has been sentenced to 2 years for abandoning the Giants at the start of their stretch run, Favre has broken the heart of every remaining poor washed up papa's boy cheesehead by signing with their archrivals, and the Philadelphia Fuckheads signed another black quarterback.  Most importantly of all, the boy wonder signed a record breaking deal to lead our brave men into the promised land for the next 6 consecutive years.  This website doesn't make a lot of predictions, but we feel fairly comfortable declaring the Giants superbowl champions for the duration of that contract.  We will re-evaluate our NFL predictions for a new column in 2015, but it doesn't seem like it makes much sense to offer a column until then, since it's already all but determined.

In any event, it is less than 1 month until the Giants begin their 6 year reign of terror and I couldn't be more excited.  In order to give better rationalize my raging alcoholism by excusing my already heavy drinking habits on Sundays with "well, I'm watching 10 football games, I have to drink 10 times as much as if I were just watching 1" as well as to give better coverage to this website, we will be ordering the NFL Sunday Ticket this year.  I want to stress that this has nothing to do with Dennis Leary, and everything to do with football and booze.  Why does DirectTV even feel the need to advertise this service?  It pretty much sells itself.  Pocket Dennis Leary's endorsement contract and offer this Holy Grail of Football for 10 bucks less for all subscribers.

Anyway, we're slowly breaking out of our August Sabbatical and will probably begin posting stories more frequently.  You can get off the ledge and check this site every couple of hours again, Dr. Foxyrotten.  In the meantime, take a look at the NFC East and email me if you don't have a boner.  I'll block your access to this site and get you on an FBI watch list, because you're surely a terrorist.  Talk to you soon, jerks.

Osi is back, and he doesn't have a nickname from this site.  If Tom Verducci were to write a preview of the most compelling storyline of the upcoming NFL season, it would be our development of a nickname for Osi.  And it'd be the most compelling thing he has ever written.

Ben Roethlisberger Didn't Rape Anyone and Ramon Hernandez Put Down The Gun Will Tell You Why

posted Jul 23, 2009, 11:58 AM by Steven Seagal   [ updated Jul 23, 2009, 12:57 PM ]

Before undertaking research to publish this post, Ramon Hernandez Put Down The Gun was certain that he was innocent of not only raping the money hungry tramp, err we mean casino hostess, but Ben was probably innocent of even thinking about raping the cash starved greed whore. The woman in question is ugly. Plus.......

Ben LOVES dogs! Here's a professionally photographed photo of Hercules, Ben and Zeus. This photo was sent to every one of Ben's teammates and also Zeus and Hercules' wrestle buddies from the local dog park. What kind of sick fuck accuses a dog lover of rape?
 Lookit! He let's them kiss him all over!
Ben can get some sweet lovin' even when he looks like a caveman ogre frat boy. Why would he rape a woman when he already has drunk chicks at his disposal?


Here is more evidence of Ogre Ben's oozing machismo charisma. We agree Ben, winking at the camera is hard. Practice makes perfect.
If he did rape the woman in question, he'd have to make a quick getaway. The last time he tried to get away real fast, this happened.
So in conclusion, Ben was right to shoot down the rape accusations. Seriously people, Must we remind you that the man gives the thumbs up for dogs?
Also, how are we so sure it wasn't this guy instead?


Toxicology Report Concludes Steve McNair Still Dead of a Gunshot Wound But With Pot In System

posted Jul 21, 2009, 7:49 AM by Steven Seagal   [ updated Jul 21, 2009, 7:59 AM ]

On July 4th, Steve McNair was a victim of an murder-suicide plotted by the highly esoteric society consisting of the 3 most powerful "people" on the planet Earth, aptly named The Transcontinental Triage Archipelago. Their meetings are held in secret, the meetings' locations known only seconds before it's commencement, and at said meetings members discuss who in the world, be it a nation or a single individual, needs to be "alleviated" of their current behavior. Although the members and intentions of said esoteric, and possibly satanic, organization are unknown, it is not mere speculation, but hard driven fact that Steve McNair was "alleviated" for his transgressions.

Now that the reasoning for Steve McNair's demise has been thoroughly explained (You're Welcome), I must ask the question: Why in the heck was their a toxicology report done on McNair's corpse? The Tennessee Assistant Medical Examiner found that McNair was drunk at the time of his murder and had marijuana in his system. What does this matter? McNair was drunk at the time, with some THC coursing through his veins, but he never handled the gun. He could have been raping a koala bear with a stapler at the time but it still doesn't matter. McNair never handled the gun. His girlfriend, obviously brainwashed by the Transcontinental Triage Archipelago, shot him to smithereens.

Oh and McNair was asleep at the time so it's not like a fight broke out because he was drunk and high. Also, his brainwashed girlfriend couldn't go bonkers on him for being high and drunk because she admitted to the police of  being both high and drunk when arrested for a DWI with McNair. She probably encouraged him to drink and smoke pot!

So what was the point of a toxicology report on a man who was murdered in his sleep? I'm guessing the coroner looked at the bullet wounds, ahem, the FATAL bullet wounds and said to him/herself "Gee those are some big bullet holes, those look like brains to me! Maybe we should run this stiff over to toxicology to see if he died of a drug overdose!". Stupid fucking hicks.

The murder of Steve McNair was a fucking tragedy. It's sad because he was chosen to be "alleviated" by an en evil cult-like group and it's sad because it shouldn't have been him. We couldn't escape the fact that he was having an extramarital affair, that much is certain. We shouldn't drag his name through the mud by saying he was drunk and stoned. The murder and the alcohol/drug use aren't connected. To connect the two will pave the way for some public service announcement with a kid sipping some wine cooler, taking a hit of a joint and subsequently being murdered  by his girlfriend. Fuck, this wouldn't bother me if it was just Donovan McNabb who was murdered instead.

Dog Bites Man; Scumbag Plays For Eagles

posted Jul 18, 2009, 9:46 AM by Steven Seagal

Eagles cornerback Jack Ikegwuonu escaped responsibility for his actions on Friday when he was acquitted of charges that he allegedly broke into an off-campus Northern Illinois apartment to steal an X-box in 2006.  Ikegwuono and his twin brother Bill, who was acquitted of the same charges earlier this year, argued that they were indeed at the scene and inside the apartment in question, but were there unintentionally, as they were looking for a party to which they had been invited.  The apartment residents testified that there was no party at the apartment, and that they have not invited the Ikeguono brothers anywhere.  Ikegwuonu's defense attorney argued that the brothers had only picked up the Xbox for "ten seconds," presumably to see if the party in question was perhaps located inside the Xbox.  His comments are worthy of quoting:  "I think it boiled down to this: Even with the state's best evidence, the best they could argue was that Jack picked up the Xbox for 10 seconds and then put it down," Gruber said.

Clearly, Gruber, your client was just the victim of a simple misunderstanding in which he broke into an apartment and was caught by the residents of that apartment holding their Xbox.  It could've happened to anyone.  Anyway, the best part of this is that it's obvious from all reports that nobody - including their defense attorney, who doesn't even feel the need to pretend to believe his clients' innocence - really considers the possibility that the Ikegwuonos were innocent, only that there wasn't enough evidence to convict them.

In any event, one thing is clear.  Ikegwuonu will fit right in in Philly where decent human beings make up an infinitesimal portion of the populace, and have zero representation on any of their professional sports teams.  Chemistry is important, and Philly knows this.  Meanwhile, lock up your Xboxes, fellas.

Vince Young Commits Suicide At Steve McNair's Funeral

posted Jul 12, 2009, 8:37 AM by Steven Seagal   [ updated Jul 13, 2009, 7:30 AM ]

It was a sad day at Steve McNair's memorial service at the Reed Green Coliseum in Hattiesburg, Mississippi. Throngs of family members, friends, fans and NFL players shuffled into the Southern Mississippi University campus to pay their respects to one of the most respected men to don an NFL uniform. Among the NFL players to attend were Brett Favre, Ray Lewis, Shawn Merriman, Jay Cutler and Vince Young. The day was sad but took a turn for the worse when Vince Young was given a chance to speak.

Young took the microphone and began to regale the crowd with stories of his former mentor, affectionately referring to him as "pops". When it finally came time to pass the microphone to Shawn Merriman to speak and, most likely, to perform the Lights Out dance, Young became very emotional, refusing to leave the stage area. What happened next only added to the senseless tragedy that unfolded on that fateful 4th of July.

"No amount of water bottles could have saved Vince" said Titan's head coach Jeff Fisher

Merriman, obviously in a rage fueled by steroids, tried to physically remove Young from the stage, prompting Young to produce a .22 Beretta from his jacket and put the pistol to his temple. Young fired one bullet and that's all that it took to end the benched quarterback's life. As memorial service attendees rushed the stage to aid an already perished Young, Merriman proceeded to perform the Lights Out dance, anyway. It was a fitting reminder that it's not just lights out for McNair, but also for Vince Young. "Life is precious, motherfuckers!" screamed Merriman into the microphone following his dance routine. The service concluded 2 hours later after Vince Young's body was removed from the stage.

Speculation about Young's mental stability surfaced last season when Young's despondent nature bordered on suicidal following a game in which he was benched in favor of Kerry Collins. Since then, many in the Titan's organization have questioned Vince Young's mental make up. Kerry Collins went on to lead the Titans to the playoffs, though, so Vince Young's suicidal behavior was largely ignored.

Current Titans's quarterback Kerry Collins was shocked when he heard of Vince Young's demise. The shock was only amplified by the fact that Collins was dangerously drunk at the time. "Looks like I'll have another, Skip", slurred Collins to the bartender after hearing of the news. Upon being cut off, Collins called the bartender a racial slur and left the bar, presumably to drink at another bar.

Unfortunately, Brett Favre was asked by reporters to comment on the tragedy that unfolded at the service. "He just fired away.  I've always thought of myself as a gunslinger, but he showed us all today who the real gunslinger was - he did exactly what everyone knew needed to be done, but wouldn't say.  It wasn't pretty, but he went out there and got the job done.  I mean, he was benched in favor of Kerry Collins." said Brett Favre after the memorial service concluded. Favre continued "I was planning on stealing the show by announcing my unretirement, but Vince just blew his brains out on the stage. I'll just have to wait until Vince Young's memorial service to make the formal announcement".

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