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Yankees Acquire Free Agency, Armaments

posted Dec 11, 2008, 6:03 AM by Steven Seagal   [ updated Feb 15, 2009, 12:37 PM ]

After making offers to every free agent in the sports world, the New York Yankees Empire decided it would be in the their best interests to simply purchase the act of free agency, along with various military armaments. In doing so, the Yankees reserve the right to own every athlete who enters free agency along with the necessary weaponry for a hostile takeover of middling third world countries and the United States of America. In a press conference, Hank Steinbrenner, who asked to be referred to as Mein Fuhrer, made the following statement:
   "The New York Yankees aggressively pursued players who could serve our best interests on both the baseball and battle fields. Certain players expressed little or no interest in coming to New York to serve under my command, so I made the decision to purchase free agency. Our new fortress will be completed by the start of the 2009 season and I needed to have a fresh army willing to shed blood, their own or that of others, for the Yankees Empire. I also have reached an agreement with several Eastern European arms dealers enabling us to stockpile firearms, military vehicles and aircraft. It's going to be great season. My Yankees will be in the World Series, without a doubt. I am also committing our troops to black ops in hopes of infiltrating the highest levels of infrastructure of this nation, as well as many others."
Joe Girardi, now known as Chief Military Strategist, seemed elated about the Yankees new acquisitions. "Finally, I'm given the right pieces to build a championship caliber team.  C.C. is a great player and a workhorse.  But who would have thought I'd get an infernally imposing army at the same time?  The best part is that I already have the right haircut". One player, who spoke only under the condition of anonymity, expressed reservations about the current progress of the Yankees, "This makes me scared. I'm normally a frightened and fragile person but now, what am I supposed to do? I'm afraid of guns. They're loud and stuff. They even hurt people and sometimes cute animals." The player then walked out humming "Crazy for You" by Madonna.