A group of Major League Baseball players represented by the Wasserman Media Group issued a joint statement today entitled, "Who the Fuck Wants to Play in Atlanta, Anyway?" in response to the Atlanta Braves apparent boycott of their management agency. The statement was issued and signed by Chase Utley, Hanley Ramirez, Aramis Ramirez, Carlos Lee, and Francisco Rodriguez - players widely regarded as members of MLB's elite. The players' statement is an apparent response to Atlanta Braves president John Schuerholz's announcement that they "will no longer do business with [Wasserman Media Group] - ever." "It is with deep regret that we recognize our status as blackballed by an organization who's rally chant is a moan and who is unable to sell out their stadium for playoff games," the statement read, before continuing in a rambling, conversational tone "Who the fuck is even on that team? We thought Maddux and Glavine were there, but then Chase said he faced Maddux in [San Diego ballpark] Petco and Glavine in [former Mets stadium] Shea and we decided we don't even know who plays for the Braves." "The only player we can identify is Chipper Jones, and he's such a douchebag he named his son after an opposing team's stadium," the statement continued, in reference to Larry "Chipper" Jones' son, "Shea," "we wonder if Chipper is going to change his son's name to "Citi," now. Yeah, we want to be on that guy's team. Fuckin' loser." The statement concluded by requesting that Wasserman Media Group "fuck over the Toronto Blue Jays next offseason."
Notably absent from the statement was Wasserman client Hideki Matsui, who, when reached for comment, became confused and apparently thought he was traded to Atlanta. "I'm happy to play for the Braves. I hope to have many championships here," said Matsui.