News‎ > ‎MLB‎ > ‎

The New York Yankees: There is No Recession.

posted Dec 23, 2008, 12:40 PM by Steven Seagal   [ updated Feb 15, 2009, 12:27 PM ]

The New York Yankees have just committed $413 million dollars to three players. One of them weighs close to 30000 pounds. One of them was born on the DL. I'm serious. He was born there. Look at his passport. The last guy rips off homeruns, plays 1st base and has a last name that is hard to spell, even for the Williamsburg spelling bee champion.
 413 million dollars. That's fuckload of zeros. Can the Yankees be saaaavvvveddd byyyy zeeeerroooos? Who knows? There are some other questions we have to ask too.  Like for example, who said that shit about a recession? Who cares that I can't go to any of the games because I blow all my money on dick cream? Who cares that the Yankees ripped off a city that is consequently or coincidentally ripping off it's citizens?
I don't give a fuck. I'll tell ya, I'm excited that A-Rod has someone that can protect him. Teixeria can't protect that fragile poet emotionally but in terms of the lineup, he'll be straight up mash potatoes. Sabathia will provide endless headlines about his weight whether he goes 8 shutout innings or a 1/3 of an inning and 1276 earned runs. Burnett will do nothing. I have no faith in that guy. The Wanger will rip the shit out teams with his sinker from hell. Joba will fist pump his way into the middle of July where he'll be shut down until the postseason. During that time off he'll fist pump his way into another DWI. Jeter will provide his penis for Michael Kay to endlessly slobber over when he does that Jeterian jump, pivot and throw to first base. Mariano Rivera will prove that he is really a robot who drinks blood for energy. I just have one more question. Is it almost baseball season?

NOTE: Now it's $423 million. Within the last five minutes the figure on Marky Mark jumped from $170 to 180 million. By tomorrow it will be $75 trillion.