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The Ian Kinsler Story

posted Mar 25, 2009, 4:57 PM by Steven Seagal   [ updated Mar 26, 2009, 9:49 AM ]
This is our newest movie idea, and it comes from one of our most loyal readers - he likes to go by Bullet on the website.  We've changed some of the names and details, but the bulk of the story comes directly from this Detroit brother's mind.  In fact, I'd like to take this opportunity to thank Bullet for his continued contributions and readership.  Now, without further ado, The Ian Kinsler Story.

The scene is set as a small town in modern America, one of those small isolated ranching towns that still exist here and there in the rural parts of the country.  They use horses for most of their work, but there are a few automobiles around for special tasks.  In this town resides the Kinsler family - who make their living like everybody else in the area, ranching and farming.  One day, they sit down to dinner as a family - as always - and as they finish giving thanks to the Lord for their modest but satisfying meal, their home is stormed by a group of Scum bums.  These Scum bums are hell bent on destruction, and, led by David Carradine, immediately proceed to Rape, pillage, kill, plunder, and burn the farm to the ground.

The youngest son, Ian, was able to scurry under the table unnoticed during all the commotion and, after watching his family get Raped and murdered, managed to escape to the barn without attracting the attention of the Scum bums.  However, in their blind rage and destruction, they set the barn ablaze and young Ian was forced from his hiding place.  The Scum bums saw him flee the inferno and chased him down, through the pastures, where he is caught and whipped with bull whips before being shot and left for dead.

A successful and wealthy rancher lives nearby, (in relative terms - this town, like all such rural ranching towns, is spread out quite a bit and each household owns quite a bit of land.  "Nearby" in this sense is approximately 1/2 days' ride) and when he sees the smoke rising from his neighbor's ranch, he knows he must act.  This is no ordinary rancher, however.  He is Reds' catcher Ramon Hernandez (played by Steven Seagal), he is skilled in all martial arts, and he is pissed.

Hernandez arrives on horseback wearing a hat similar to that of Billy Jack, only more rustic and more badass.  His jacket is of Indian fringe and he wears a mean look on his face as he surveys the damage to the Kinsler's farm.  He is preparing to ride off to track down the perpetrators and visit upon them some Hernandez justice, when he stumbles upon the still breathing body of Ian Kinsler.  Of course, he brings the boy back to his ranch and instructs the Spanish women who live there (there are multiple) to nurse him back to health.

Ian is strong and enjoys a full physical recovery, but his mind is still ravaged by the torture he endured on that fateful day.  He lusts for revenge and blood.  Ramon Hernandez is wise, however, and even though Hernandez has had a run in with these same Scum bums, he is patient.  You see, throughout the film, another story unfolds via flashback.  This is the story of Ramon Hernandez's youth.  Hernandez had a woman he loved, and together they had a son.  David Carradine was a sniper with poor marksmanship, and he and his group of Scum bums killed Hernandez's woman and son.  There was no evidence, but Hernandez vowed revenge.  He developed a plan long ago, but now he sees that Ian could fit into this plan and help him in their common goal of destruction of David Carradine, who isn't even that good at martial arts.

Hernandez encourages Ian to find an outlet in baseball.  Kinsler resists at first, but when he discovers his ability to whack the ball out of the park - and play a thin 2nd baseman's position, he realizes that he should submit to Hernandez's teachings.  He becomes a model student, and Hernandez also imparts his vast martial arts knowledge on the Kinsler mind in a number of montages.

Ian is now a promising young man with a mean swing and a devastating roundhouse.  One day, Ramon Hernandez is throwing batting practice to Ian Kinsler on their local ballfield.  Kinsler is tearing the cover off the ball, spraying 500 ft home runs to all fields.  They are approached by the very same Scum bums who have wrought so much havoc on the Kinsler and Hernandez households.  David Carradine has a hard cut fastball and a devastating changeup, and challenges the Hernandez/Kinsler duo to a game.  There are 9 Scum bums, but only two heros.  Undaunted, they agree to play all positions in the field.  Hernandez will pitch and cover the infield, while Kinsler will cover the outfield.

Needless to say, Hernandez and Kinsler annihilate the Scum bums by a score of 134 - 0. Kinsler feasts on Carradine's changeup, which he has a tendency to telegraph.  Plus, his fastball didn't have much cut on it that day and was largely straight.  Kinsler hits 57 home runs in the game, and each time he rounds the bases he knocks over the Scum Bum infielders.  Ian is ready to destroy them with martial arts, having already humiliated them on the field of play, but he is restrained by Hernandez.  "Let's go get a root beer float," says Ramon.  Ian gives him a quizzical look, but has learned to obey his Sensei in all matters and quickly submits.

They head to the local ice cream shop and being downing root beer floats at a feverish pace.  The Scum bums cannot let this humiliation rest, however, and Carradine and his crew bust in to the ice cream shop ready for action.  They get plenty of it.  Ian and Hernandez systematically dismember each member of the Scum bum crew in front of a crowd of horrified onlookers.  As they are torn limb from limb, their blood and entrails are splattered throughout the ice cream parlor, covering the townspeople in gore.  Ian understands now - Ramon doesn't just want revenge, he wants to send a message.

And the message is received.  Loud and clear.  Kinsler and Hernandez are both immediately drafted by Steven Seagal's fantasy team, Reigning Blood.  They give a big, blood drenched high five and the credits roll.

Once again, I'd like to thank Bullet for providing the creative inspiration and for writing the bulk of the story.  I'd also like to thank our South Korean correspondent for identifying some inconsistencies in the original post (since corrected.)