News‎ > ‎MLB‎ > ‎

Steven Seagal to Give Ryan Braun "Take 3 Consecutive Strikes" Sign In Every At Bat Against Dan Haren

posted May 2, 2009, 10:32 AM by Steven Seagal
Milwaukee and Ramon Hernandez Put Down The Gun Left Fielder Ryan Braun, one of the heaviest hitting outfielders in the National League and undoubtedly the best hitter in the Brewers lineup, is set to receive the "Keep your bat on your shoulder and take 3 consecutive strikes" sign from Ramon Hernandez Put Down The Gun manger Steven Seagal in each of his at bats Saturday against Ramon Hernandez Put Down The Gun starter Dan Haren.  "We're in a tight game here, so every point will matter - that's why, as much as I love every home run off the Hebrew Hammer's bat as if it were my own child, I'll be asking Ryan to strike out in every at bat.  With Ryan out of the lineup, I see absolutely no reason why Danny shouldn't throw 3 perfect games today, and I expect exactly that," said Seagal.

Brewers Manager Ken Macha, asked to explain how he felt about having his best hitter effectively taken out of the game, said "Look, would you want to fuck with Steven Seagal's fantasy team?  Any Brewers owned by Seagal are his jurisdiction.  I'm just glad he only owns Braun, because he lets me pretty much do whatever I want with the rest of the team.  Except sometimes when [Brewer's leadoff man Rickie Weeks] is on first while Ryan is up, because then he doesn't want me to run Rickie in case it might distract Ryan's focus at the plate.  I've talked to Ryan and he says a runner in motion doesn't bother him, but try telling that to Seagal."  Macha continued, "It could be worse.  I could manage the Angels - Seagal has owned every Angels starter at one point or another and has a special affinity for John "The Lackman" Lackey, Ervin "Curvy Ervy" Santana, and Kelvim "Il Padrino" Escobar.  [Angels' Manager Mike Scioscia] probably never sleeps knowing that Seagal is going to second guess every decision he makes with those guys, probably with roundhouse kicks to the face.  I'm so glad he doesn't own any Brewers pitching."
informed that Seagal does in fact own Brewers starter Manny Parra, Macha immediately went white as a ghost and said "Oh dear Lord, I took him out yesterday in the 6th with a 2-1 lead after only 93 pitches... and we lost the game.  I've gotta get to my children!  I just hope theres enough time..." before breaking into a dead sprint while simultaneously attempting to dial his cell phone in a blind panic.