News‎ > ‎MLB‎ > ‎

Steven Seagal Suicide Watch - Please Help

posted Feb 28, 2009, 10:39 AM by Steven Seagal   [ updated Feb 28, 2009, 11:25 AM ]
Loyal readers of Ramon Hernandez Put Down The Gun Because We Pinch Hit For Our Catcher And We Don't Have Any Position Players Left On The Bench, we know how often you think to yourselves, "Wow, Steven Seagal is really awesome for putting this website together just so I can have something to chuckle at when he occassionally stumbles upon something slightly humorous once ever 3 weeks or so.  How can I help?"  Well, now we have an answer for you.  You see, Steven Seagal is very sick.  In fact, he's stumbled into severe depression and is on the verge of suicide.  Why?  Because he has a bottle of champagne in his fridge that was earmarked for the Giants superbowl victory.  Because the 2008-2009 Rangers show up in the top 5 google searches for the word "trainwreck."  "But," you pathetically mutter, "Steven Seagal's true passion is baseball, and it's almost that time!"  Yes, you moron, and that's exactly the point.
Steven Seagal hates the words "elbow soreness" when associated with his pitchers, either fantasy or actual.  Steven knows that the standard timeline goes something like this:
  • Media reports surface that pitcher is experiencing "minor discomfort" in his pitching elbow.  He will miss his next scheduled start as a "precautionary measure."
  • Pitching elbow is "still a little tight," and "we don't want to rush anything."  Pitcher will miss next scheduled start, and is shut down from any throwing, but is still not headed to DL.
  • Pitcher lands on 15 day DL.  "It's a 162 game season.  We want to make sure he's absolutely 100% before he comes back.  Playing it safe."
  • Pitcher begins throwing program.  Feels twinge.  Shut down again.  Headed back to New York (or, in Fantasy cases, whatever his team's home town) for evaluation.
  • Some bullshit report comes out about a "slight tear" or something like that.  Pitcher and club feel it will heal with rest.
  • Tommy John surgery.
Johan Santana's case is slightly different here because it's not during the season, so there really is absolutely no reason to push him.  But that doesn't make it any less alarming that Steven sees a variation of the scenario laid out above playing out before his very eyes.  Today, he "may miss" the season opener.  In 2 weeks he'll be opening the season on the DL.
Maybe Steven is being a little paranoid.  Johan says he always feels elbow tightness this time of year, and his accelerated pace in an attempt to return from offseason knee surgery is to blame for the "tightness" advancing to "soreness" this year.  But Steven sees this all the time.  What is the trend in the above scenario, at every step of the way, and with every piece of new bad news?  Downplay.  The pitcher, the club, the doctors - everyone downplays the injury and the significance of it.  Until he's going under the knife.
I don't know just how to handle this situation right now - I mean, Steven is freaking out over here and I think things might get ugly.  If Steven sees any more advancements in the Tommy John progression, he's apt to lose it and take some people out with him. 
The Seagal-Santana lovefest entered its mythical, uncomfortably intense stage in late September of 2008 in their most glorious moment together - in the 2nd to last game ever to be played at Shea Stadium (and Steven's last in attendence at Shea) when the absolute bulldog took the ball on 3 days rest and pitched a 3 hit, complete game shutout to give the Mets a victory and a shot at making the playoffs (we know how that ended).  And to successfully erase the bitter taste of the EZ Pass violation Steven received on the way to Shea that afternoon as well as the public urination ticket he received in Shea's parking lot from a couple of douchebag undercover cops.  That was the greatest baseball game Steven ever attended - rivaled only by the first game back at Shea after 9/11 when Piazza hit his bomb and the place absolutely erupted like he'd never seen before.  Until Johan.
Anyway, you can say the love Steven Seagal has for Johan may make him do crazy things.  I started this post off by explaining that you could help.  You can.  If you live in the NYC area and would like to host a Steven Seagal Suicide Watch Night, please contact me at and outline the night you have planned for Steven.  Your only duty is to keep Steven occupied enough to forget that his life is crashing down before his very eyes and prevent him from acting on his intense homicidal and suicidal urges.  To help you figure out what type of night to plan, Steven's interests are booze, illegal drugs, women (legal or otherwise), and Johan Santana.  On second thought, you may want to stay away from that last one....