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Steven Seagal Bids Ramon Hernandez Tearful Farewell from AL East

posted Dec 9, 2008, 1:08 PM by Steven Seagal   [ updated Feb 15, 2009, 1:06 PM ]
In case you haven't heard, Ramon Hernandez was traded today from the Baltimore Orioles to the Cincinatti Reds for Ryan Freel and two prospects.  "But Steven, you're a Yankees... or you're a Mets fan... depending on whether you're taking your Thorazine at the time.  What does this matter to you?"  Well, fuckface, it means that there will be a whole hell of a lot less of Ramon Hernandez in the Steven Seagal household.  If you consider that as a division, well, "opponent" (I don't want to say "rival," because the Orioles would probably have a more competitive rivalry with the Staten Island Yankees, but you get the idea) Ramon would play considerably more games against the Yanks than he will this year against the Mets on a Cincy team in the NL Central.  Why do I care?  I don't have to explain shit to you, but I'm feeling generous, so I'll tell you why.   Because I've been writing a movie in which Ramon Hernandez is brainwashed to kill Queen Elizabeth II at a Baltimore Orioles home game.  Never mind that now I'm going to have to rewrite the entire script to take place in Cincinatti, but I also use Yankees-Orioles games as an opportunity to study Hernandez's exact habits, since I will be playing the starring role of Ramon Hernandez in the movie.  Now, I'll probably only get to see him for 2 series during the whole year.  This is a huge setback.
Anyway, this is a good opportunity to explain where the title of this website comes from.  It's actually from the movie, a chant that the Baltimore Orioles fans - FUCK! - Cincinatti Reds fans start during the game, at the crucial moment when Ramon Hernandez pulls the gun on the basepaths and aims it at the Queen.  You see, Ramon hadn't started the game, and came in as a pinch hitter before reaching base.  He is not only the only CATCHER available, but in a bizarre twist, the only position player.  Only pitchers remain on the bench.  If he got thrown out for pulling a gun on the basepaths, it would be disastrous.  Could you imagine a pitcher trying to catch?  Sure, they'd probably put an outfielder behind the plate and let the pitcher play in the field, but it would still be zany.  The Orioles fans - CINCINNATI FANS - don't want any part of that!  So they urge Ramon to do the only rational thing.  "Ramon Hernandez Put Down The Gun Because We Pinch Hit for Our Catcher and We Don't Have Any Position Players Left On The Bench!," they chant.  The chant is so catchy that they begin to spell it out, "R-A-M-O-N H-E-R-N-A-N-D-E-Z P-U-T D-O-W-N T-H-E G-U-N B-E-C-A-U-S-E W-E P-I-N-C-H H-I-T F-O-R O-U-R C-A-T-C-H-E-R A-N-D W-E D-O-N-'-T H-A-V-E A-N-Y P-O-S-I-T-I-O-N P-L-A-Y-E-R-S L-E-F-T O-N T-H-E B-E-N-C-H!!"  Like that, see?  If you've been to a baseball game before, you know they start these types of chants all the time.  If you think that's crazy, I was once at a game where they started a "Let's Go Mets!" chant with a cowbell.  Crazy fuckin baseball fans.

Who am I kidding?  I was going to get the MLB Extra Innings package, anyway.  In the meantime,YOU should keep your eyes open for Out For Lyfe, starring Steven Seagal as Ramon Hernandez - summer, 2010.  Holy shit, this is GOLD - The Cincinatti REDS!  Fuckin' commies trying to kill the Queen of England?  Thanks, Walt Jocketty!  Your vision for films is rivaled only by your baseball acumen and your awesome name.  I have to go write.