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Retractions, Corrections, and Clarifications...

posted Aug 6, 2009, 5:02 AM by Steven Seagal
A couple of our recent posts have drawn the ire of the NY Mets front office, and Citi Field has demanded that we issue the following statement under threat of litigious retaliation.  Our initial reaction was to tell them to go fuck themselves, but our lawyer, Dr. Foxyrotten, recommended we comply with their demands, or, as he put it, "Bend over for that big Mets cock."  In any event, please see the below statement from the NY Mets:
Mr. Seagal:
It has come to the attention of the New York Mets organization that your tasteless website has recently displayed a disturbing proclivity for the dissemination of falsehoods and rumors regarding a number of our players who are currently rehabbing in our exclusive, lavish Port St. Lucie Spa and Resort.  It is true that our 25 man roster is of a substantially different composition than we anticipated at the start of the 2009 season.  However, every one of the injured starters is slated to return in the very near future.  To correct any rumors reported on your website or elsewhere, we present to your readership the true status of the NY Mets starters:
  • Carlos Beltran's knee is just fine.  His rehab is going swimmingly.  The report you issued was based on a typographical error from the training staff - Beltran actually fielded three hundred (300) fly balls in the outfield, and threw every one of them for strikes to home plate, doing foul line to foul line sprints between each one.  I think we can all agree that a little stiffness is to be expected after such a strenuous workout.
  • Luis Castillo is not dead.  He was flown to Buffalo moments after his removal from Tuesday's game and started at 2nd base at Triple A Buffalo.  He hit 3 home runs in 4 at bats while stealing 3 bases, including home.  Twice.  He also pitched a scoreless inning of relief to earn his first save of the season.
  • Jon Niese was removed from yesterday's start due to excessive dominance and will make his next start.  He threw 236 pitches in a simulated game against rehabbing Beltran, Reyes, Castillo, and Delgado.
  • JJ Putz continues to throw from flat ground.  When asked if he was ready to throw from a mound, he responded to training staff "Oh, I'm plenty ready for the mound.  I don't think the mound is ready for me."  The Citi Field grounds crew is working around the clock to reinforce the mound in preparation for Putz's imminent return.
  • Jose Reyes continues to relax and gather strength in preparation for the 20-4 stretch run.  His regiment includes daily massages, seaweed wraps, and facials.  His hamstring has been 100% healthy since May, roughly 6 hours after his initial injury.
  • Carlos Delgado continues his important outreach work in the Dominican Republic.  He has no reported injury and will return as soon as his presence on the field becomes more necessary than his selfless work with those poor, needy children.
  • Unfortunately, John Maine is, in fact, dead.  Our heartfelt condolences go out to the Maine family.
  • Billy Wagner threw only 8 pitches because he needed only 8 pitches to annihilate the opposition in his inning of work.  After the game, he reported that if required, he could have thrown 800.  Miles per hour.
  • Fernando Martinez is not injured, but rather has been promoted to VP of Player Development.  His meteoric rise through the farm system displayed that he has what it takes to develop at an incredible rate, and he will use those skills to teach other, less gifted athletes how to make it to the majors at age 20. 
We trust that this will be sufficient to set the record straight.  We would also like to say that aside from these recent posts, we - as an organization - love your work.  We look forward and wait with bated breath for the release of Out for Lyfe.
Respectfully yours,
Jeff Wilpon
I Love Meth... Oops, Math,
Aug 6, 2009, 9:12 AM