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Recent Mark McGwire News Leads Me To Say "No More Of This Stuff Forever".

posted Jan 23, 2009, 7:47 AM by Steven Seagal   [ updated Feb 15, 2009, 11:48 AM ]
There has been a steady stream of reports that Mark McGwire did in fact use steroids. The snitch in this case isn't a bespectacled weasel-looking trainer (McNamee), batboy/drug pusher (Radomski), or himself (Giambi) but the kid-who-told-on-another-kid was none other than Big Mac's own cyclopic brother. It has no bearing on the story, but it  warrants mentioning that McGwire's brother has one eye, but does not wear an eye patch. Even a blood relative who refuses to adorn his inactive ocular cavity with pirate wear is a person who cannot be trusted. ANYWAY, after Lil Mac (No Relation, I swear) ratted out his big bro in his book, McGwire's ex-fiancee decided to jump on the slander bandwagon and verify the Lil guy's accusations. I probably expect that shit from an ex-fiancee and definitely expect that from a cyclopic eye-patchless brother, but the overall point here is WHO FUCKING CARES? Can't we just move on from this already? Let's just assume everyone in Major League Baseball used steroids from the 1989-2002 (Yes that an arbitrary range of years and they can be debated)? Didn't all this get settled with that stupid Mitchell report?
With this recent exposure of Big Mac, Let me be the first to say that 2009 is going to be a different year  here at Ramon Hernandez Put Down the Gun. I, for one propose, and I'm absolutely positive my other personality agrees with me, that certain subjects should never be broached again. The first of which is steroids in baseball. That topic is dead to me. No more steroid talk in baseball, please. The second is Tim Tebow. We've had enough of the media fawning (e.g. slurp slurp slurp). Yeah, I had fun throwing mud at the media with my satirical slants on the fucker, but enough is enough. Tim Tebow is dead to me. What about Brett Favre, you may ask? Fuck him with a rider mower. Brett Favre is dead, dead, DEAD. Another subject which is fairly recent is the patch work that baseball teams (Mets and Yankees) are stitching onto their jerseys. If I was a member of not just those two pretentious New York teams, but any team and I was given a jersey with a patch, I'd rip that shit off and say (Obviously, I'm an angry Torii Hunter when I say this), "I'm nobody's bitch, you can't put this shit on my arm. I'll go all Milton Bradley on your ass. You bitch ass cabbage patch pushin' motherfuckers." Then I'd smile and flip over a table for good measure.  And isn't anyone aware that the Nazis had pieces of flair that they made the Jews wear? I'm just saying.  Well I'm sure there are other subjects which I wouldn't touch with my one-eyed brother's cock, but those are the four that I came up with off the top of my ponytailed head. Sure I could mention these subjects when absolutely necessary in the instance of say Brett Favre getting eaten by neo nazi skinheads or Tim Tebow being drowned by a Malaysian villagers, but otherwise, I'm going to steer clear of these sports cancers.
You got any suggestions for this list? Please send them to Maybe we'll take them seriously. Maybe we'll break your dome piece with a laser fast roundhouse kick.