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Ramon Hernandez Put Down The Gun Book Review: The Alyssa Milano Book

posted Feb 27, 2009, 6:33 AM by Steven Seagal
Alyssa Milano has recently joined the fray of celebrities-turned-authors with her attempt at penning a baseball book. The book published by Harper Collins under the title "Safe At Home: Confessions of a Baseball Fanatic" is said to be written about Milano's "experiences" in and around Major League Baseball.  Let me be the first to dissect and review a book based solely on it's title and the author's magnetic attraction to baseball players. This actually could be part of a series here at Ramon Hernandez Put Down The Gun. We'll review book without even reading it. Of course by review, we'll probably just rip it to shreds but who has time to read these days? Just come to this website and let us review a book that we haven't read. Okay, enough is enough, here is the meticulous review of Alyssa Milano's book.
First, let me dissect the title of this book. The title "Safe at Home" must refer to Joe Torre's own domestic abuse foundation which is eerily similar to the name of his foundation. It's called the Safe at Home foundation.  That's pretty damn close. Joe Torre even wrote the foreword for her book. Milano is said to be an avid Dodgers fan, which coincidentally, is the team that Joe Torre manages. Now, throwing Joe Torre's name on the cover of a book has worked for Tom Verducci, that is until someone stole his thunder, so it only makes sense that Milano uses Torre to increase sales. This may or may not work. The people at Harper Collins think it will work and they're in the book business so we should trust them. Then again, Harper Collins did sign on to publish a little book titled "If I Did It" by a former football player who played Detective Nordberg in the "Naked Gun" series. Regardless, Torre had Alyssa Milano name the book after his foundation in exchange for someone ghostwriting the foreword in his name. I am 100% certain of this and no one will make me think otherwise.
When Alyssa Milano wrote "Safe At Home", she used her "experiences" in and around Major League Baseball. If you don't think that Milano will throw in stories of her player "conquests" then you are sorely mistaken. Alyssa Milano MUST include stories of her sorceress-like seductions of baseball players. I mean she single-handedly ruined Barry Zito and Carl Pavano. Carl Pavano wasn't a lights out pitcher before 2004 but he was serviceable in the Marlin rotation. That all changed when he started dating and then broke up with Alyssa Milano. Anyone who follows baseball knows what happened to Pavano in 2004 and beyond. In 2005, Milano started dating Barry Zito. It took a little while, but his career has plummeted following the huge deal with the SF Giants. I guess she was too busy screwing up Brad Penny's career to give her witch-like attention to Zito. Milano dated Penny in 2006. Rumor has it that they started dating right before the all star break. Penny had a stellar pre-all star record but soon after Hurricane Alyssa came to town, his record got hit by a train. In 2006, Penny's record and ERA went from a 10-2, 2.91before the all star break to a 6-7, 6.25 following the all star break. Smells fishy to me. Those are three players that Milano has ruined. Why she hasn't been banned from every ballpark is a mystery to me.
After going through all of this, I'm surprised the Players Association hasn't tried to bar the release of the book. The book will surely be a hit among player wives and girlfriends as a guidebook to keep their men in line or forever be cursed via a Milano-like spell. I guess that's where Joe Torre comes in to play. Having his name on the book would act as a safety net for those weary of the book's intentions. Players may see his name as a bridge to security. I mean, It's not like he's written a damning book on his former team, calling out his players and his employer, so why shouldn't players trust a book with his name on the cover? Oh, wait. Never mind.