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Racist, Homophobic, Mustachioed 2nd Basemen To Retire From Young Mans' Game

posted Jan 21, 2009, 1:29 PM by Steven Seagal   [ updated Feb 15, 2009, 11:48 AM ]
It appears that Jeffrey Franklin Kent will retire from baseball today. His reasons will include injuries, old age and the ever so trite but never so believable family excuse. But those who have watched Jeffrey Franklin Kent's career all know what the real reason is for turning his back on the game of baseball. Let us be the ones to tell the truth about Jeff Kent's REAL reasons for retirement.
First,  Jeff Kent is retiring because of all the black people. In Kent's first year with the Dodgers, former teammate Milton Bradley accused Kent of being a racist. I don't know why, but I believe a guy who tore his ACL in an attempt to beat up an umpire in 2007 and had to be  physically restrained from "conversing" with a Kansas City Royals announcer. Also there were reports that Barry Bonds, also a black man, and Kent were involved in a shoving match in the Giants' dugout. The cause of the scuffle? I can only guess it was affirmative action. The verdict is in: Jeff Kent is a racist and that is why he is quitting baseball.
Second, it's because he hates the gays. He not only voted for proposition 8, which would ban same sex marriage, but also donated $15,000 to an organization backing the proposition. What does this have to do with baseball? There is a certain third baseman who makes $27 million dollars a year playing for the New York Yankees who might be the reason. Also, Jonathan Papelbon sucks dick. The verdict is in: Jeff Kent is a racist homophobe and that is why he is quitting baseball.
Finally, He hates young people. It became the running story of the 2007 Dodgers that the older players were clashing with the younger players over playing time. Who was old in 2007? Jeffrey Franklin Kent was old, that's who. Here's how it probably turned out. Jonathan Broxton, a young lad, was probably listening to his walkman too loud and old man Kent told young Jonathan Broxton to get off his lawn. That's probably not how it turned out. That's DEFINITELY how it turned out. The verdict is in: Jeff Kent hates young people who listen to black music on his lawn who also believe in gay marriage and THAT is why he is quitting baseball.