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NY Yankees to Conduct 7 Year, $160MM Study on Effects of Pitching on Morbidly Obese

posted Dec 10, 2008, 6:41 AM by Steven Seagal   [ updated Feb 15, 2009, 12:39 PM ]
The NY Yankees took their first step in their efforts to publish a study on the long term physical consequences of being a Major League Baseball starting pitcher on the morbidly obese.  Today, they announced the signing of C.C. Sabathia, the largest pitcher available on the free agent market, to a 7 year, $160MM deal that will permit them to chronical the long term impact of the rigors of pitching on the health of the grossly overweight starter.  "At his current weight, we estimate that C.C's knees will be utterly destroyed by the repetitive absorption of the incredible force generated by the follow through of his nearly 350 lbs frame by the all-star break of his 3rd year, but nobody really knows - that's why it will be so fun to conduct this study," said Yankees GM Brian Cashman.  "I have June of 2011 in the front office pool," added Cashman.  "The Yankees organization is very excited to watch C.C. Sabathia rapidly deteriorate from a perennial Cy-young candidate to a perennial DL candidate," said Yankees owner... or co-owner... or son of owner... or who the fuck even knows, Hank Steinbrenner.  "The Yankees have a long and storied history of paying pitchers not to pitch, and we are confident that in two or three years, C.C. will help us add to that history," Steinbrenner continued, apparently referring to a Yankee past that recently includes Carl Pavano and Roger Clemens being paid exorbitant sums of money to languish on the DL.  Yankees manager Joe Girardi, reached for comment at his home, was apparently unaware of the recent acquisition.  "Who?  Sabathia?  What, we signed him?  Man, nobody tells me anything around here," said Girardi.
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