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Night Is Darkest Just Before Dawn

posted Feb 20, 2009, 6:52 AM by Steven Seagal   [ updated Feb 20, 2009, 7:44 AM ]
Let me attempt to put into words the depths of hell that we are all plodding through:  The Rangers are in a death spiral, baseball is over a month out, and the NBA is the NBA.  This leaves me crossing off days to February 26th, which is the first televised Mets spring training game.  I get my sports news from a variety of sources, but if I want to find something to post about, I'll often pick a major news outlet with a sports section with the thinking that it would be accessible to a wider audience - not just ESPN or SI readers.  Often I'll default to MSNBC, where you can usually pick up a pretty ridiculous sports story that is prime for this website.  As evidence of how bleak the world is at this moment, MSNBC's Sports headlines, and my understanding of them WITHOUT reading the stories, are represented below.  I want to stress that I am not making this up, I am really attempting to guess at the contents of these stories without reading them.  I estimate that I'm pretty close on a couple, but likely way off on a number more:
Top Story:
Celtics Lose Garnett, Game to Jazz - I would assume this refers to Kevin Garnett, which is a name I am familiar with and associate with basketball.  However, it could be a different Garnett altogether.  Apparently, Garnett was traded to the Jazz - probably right before the game and maybe after losing a coin toss or bet of some sort - and he went on to lead the Jazz to victory over his former team.
Other Headlines:
Tiger to Return to PGA Tour Action Next Week - I know that "Tiger" and "PGA" are golf terms, so I would guess this has to do with Tiger's return to the tour after a knee injury which required surgury - which I remember hearing something about awhile ago.  That seemed like a long time ago, but I guess rehabbing for golf is pretty tough.  I don't know.
Mell: 'The Draw, The Stud, The Marquee Player' is Back - Absolutely baffling.  Who is Mell?  Who are The Draw, The Stud, and The Marquee Player?  To which sport does this refer?  Why are there quotes around "The Draw, The Stud, The Marquee Player" in the headline, but not "Is back?"  I'll take a stab at it.  This must be a poker reference, right?  Which is not a sport, but neither are basketball or golf, and we already know MSNBC covers those, so it's reasonable to assume they cover poker as well.  Plus, I know that the "World Series" of poker has become pretty popular.  As far as to whom these nicknames refer, I can't even venture a guess.  One of them is probably that guy who wears the reflective "lizard eye" sunglasses - but I would've assumed his nickname would've been something more along the lines of "Lizard Eyes."  And why the odd syntax in the headline?  Perhaps Mell is the announcer in the World Series of Poker and he's expected to say "The Draw, The Stud, The Marquee Player" in dramatic fashion before the, uh, match (?).  To quote Mell, you can only list the names - the headline editor is forced to add "is back" at the end in order to make it understandable to a wider audience, which, judging from what I'd say is a pretty spot on assessment above, he succeeded.
Ventre: NBA Trade Deadline Just Another Fan Teaser - Okay, so I guess Ventre is some sort of MSNBC Sports columnist who is not forseeing much action prior to the trade deadline for the NBA, which is presumably looming.  We can all relate to this, right?  Think MLB.  Manny was going to get traded for like 4 years running before it finally happened last year.  There's always all sorts of talk leading up to the deadline, and it just turns out to be - as Ventre puts it - "just another fan teaser."  I suppose the blockbuster Kevin Garnett to (Utah?) Jazz trade was just an anomaly in what is likely to be a disappointing lead up to the deadline.
Magic Gets Rockets' Alston In Three Way Deal - Huh, okay, well Ventre's assertion of being a fan teaser is looking a little more suspect, but I don't know thing one about basketball, so maybe this is a minor deal and nobody really cares.  Although it DOES say it's a three way deal.  Maybe Ventre was wrong.  Or maybe we should give him the benefit of the doubt.
Knicks Trade Thomas for Bulls' Hughes  - Jesus fucking Christ, Ventre, did you even look at your own website?
Recap of 2009 NBA Deadline Trades - Presumably, since an entire story is dedicated to recapping the trades, Ventre must be completely full of horseshit.  We've already listed three, and there's a whole separate headline dedicated to more.  Is it possible I misread any of these stories?  Or the intent of Ventre's article?  Unequivocally, no.
Bonds' Positive Steroid Test Barred From Trial  - Well, now, HERES a baseball story.  Wait, no it isn't.  Bonds doesn't play baseball, and it's not about anything related to baseball, except in the most tangetial of fashions.  Yes, he holds the HR record, but only until fellow juicer A-rod takes it from him.  This is a steroids story, and it doesn't involve A-rod.  Therefore, nobody cares.
Finally, why is this story categorized under our MLB tab?  Because that is the dawn we are all waiting for.  Pretty soon, Baseball will redeem us from this garbage, and we'll be able to write about real things - like what Keith Hernandez said in the 2nd inning of an interleague game against somebody like Oakland.  You know, the important stuff.