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Mr. Cone Goes to (Jerks off in) Washington

posted Jul 10, 2009, 11:27 AM by Steven Seagal   [ updated Jul 11, 2009, 7:40 AM ]
Fomer Pitcher and current YES network "analyst" David Cone has had his share of cherishable moments. He won a few World Series, a Cy Young award, pitched a perfect game and even had an aneurysm. Now there is another milestone event in the life of Mr. David Cone. Next week Mr. Cone will testify at the Senate Judiciary Committee confirmation hearings for Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor. Mr. Cone will serve as a witness because he was an MLBPA authority in 1995 during which time Ms. Sotomayor issued a ruling effectively ending the strike. In light of this historic event, and being that Ramon Hernandez Put Down The Gun is a high brow website, we here at Ramon Hernandez Put Down The Gun chose to dwell on David Cone's proclivity towards the finer qualities of life: JERKING OFF.
 
A quick google search for "David Cone" produces the normal search results one would expect for a former baseball player. There is "David Cone stats", "David Cone perfect game" and "David Cone wife", but a few spaces down, one will also see another item which has a bit of mysterious controversy embedded in it's simple choice of wording. This item is titled "David Cone bullpen incident".
 
Apparently in 1989, while with the New York Mets, David Cone decided to give Little David Cone a tussle in front of 3 female fans. It's really not fair to call the females who witnessed the event fans since one of them filed a $8.1 million sexual harassment suit against Mr. Cone. Yeah I know, what a bitch.
 
Three years later, Mr. Cone was involved in two incidents of rape. The first incident, although not directly linked to Cone, directly involved teammates Darryl Boston, Vince Coleman and Dwight Gooden. His name however was still thrown into the fire. No less than 5 months later, Mr. Cone was accused of rape by a Philadelphia woman. The date in question came the night before a 19 strikeout performance. That type of performance is  not impressive but almost expected. No charges ever stuck to Mr. Cone but the events surely tarnished his image. One could only assume that when told not to jerk off in front of women, Mr. Cone just improvised with the women instead.
 
Most recently, Mr. Cone has been an "analyst" on the YES network. His job mostly consists of talking to Michael Kay about his perfect game but once in awhile ol' Coney feels the urge to let the jerkingoff-isms fly. On two separate occasions, David Cone has been asked his opinion of the young Yankees pitchers seemingly constant shift from bullpen to starting rotation.
 
In one instance, Mr. Cone mentions that Ian Kennedy was being "jerked off" in the bullpen Mr. Cone was referencing the fact that Kennedy had been asked to warm up twice before finally being entered into the game. But Ramon Hernandez Put Down The Gun knows that this is a luxurious convenience for a man who had his way with himself in the bullpen once before in full view of female fans.
 
In another instance, Mr. Cone chose to use the epicly appropriate malapropism again in reference to everyone's favorite bullpen-or-rotation pitcher, Joba Chamberlain. Joba had apparently been pretty sloppy on the mound, as he usually is these days, so Mr. Cone, instead of saying Joba was jerky with his delivery, said that Joba was "jerking off". Again, how convenient of Cone to bring up a term for masturbation given his history.
 
It's almost as if David Cone is using the YES network as a stage for exposing the truth bout himself. I will not venture to say that the demons of the past are slipping into his everyday vocabulary because Mr. Cone has nothing to be ashamed of. Instead, Mr. Cone's choice of words are sly spit in the face of his opponents.
 
This post was not written to damn Mr. Cone for his previous actions or his choice of words. In fact, we here at Ramon Hernandez Put Down The Gun celebrate this behavior. Mr. Cone has jerked off and (allegedly) raped his way all the way into this nation's capital to serve as a key witness to the Sonia Sotomayor confirmation hearings. He's a true inspiration to us all. Let this post be a commendation for men like David Cone. I hope he sits at that table in the capital and flails away at his johnson while swearing on the bible. Godspeed Mr. Cone and keep on jerking off, wherever the winds of change bring you.
 
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