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Mets GM Omar Minaya Opens Negotiations with Francisco Rodriguez with Four Hour Barrage of Insults

posted Dec 8, 2008, 4:41 PM by Steven Seagal   [ updated Feb 15, 2009, 12:41 PM ]
Apparently learning a lesson from the Yankees' love-struck, fawning, and thus far unsuccessful attempts to sign C.C. Sabathia to a 6 year, $140 Million contract, NY Mets General Manager Omar Minaya brought Francisco Rodriguez to a steakhouse Sunday night for a four hour browbeating.  "Pitchers - starters, relievers, closers - they're all the same: like women.  Treat 'em like shit, and they'll be on your jock in no time.  Let 'em know you're interested, and they won't give you the time of day,"  Minaya explained.

 "You little four eyed fuck, if you were the dog shit I stepped on coming in here, I wouldn't even give you the respect of scraping you off of my brand new $1,000 loafers - I'd just throw em away," Minaya reportedly told Rodriguez at the start of the meeting.  He then went on to criticize Rodriguez for his violent motion, the loss of velocity on his fastball, and his "stupid glasses, and even stupider face."  Sources seated near the meeting reported that Rodriguez began to get upset, and question why Omar had even called him in the first place.  He was quickly cut off by Minaya, who launched into another tirade of insults.  "And don't even get me started on that nickname,"  Minaya continued to a Rodriguez, who, at this point was consumed with violent sobs, "you sound like one of Roger Clemens' retarded illegitimate children - Koby, Kacy, whatever other stupid neanderthal names he could come up with at the time, and Krod.  Yeah, Krod.  You think the NY Mets are gonna sign a guy named Krod?  Eat shit."  Minaya then abruptly leapt out of his seat, emptied his pockets of $138, a pocket knife, and a used chapstick, yelling "You want to sign with the Mets?  Fuck you!  This is my offer.  For two years."

In an interesting coincidence, our source was also within earshot of Yankees GM Brian Cashman and C.C. Sabathia, who were dining at a nearby table.  "You're so beautiful, C.C.," Cashman was overheard saying to a visibly bored and disinterested Sabathia, who spent most of the meeting staring at his plate playing with his food.  "Big is beautiful.  The Yankees think you'd be too skinny if you lost any weight," Cashman continued.

As of press time, Brian Cashman was waiting by the phone with tears in his eyes, while Omar Minaya was seen holding hands with his new "main man," Brian Fuentes, while his cell phone rang incessently with Rodriguez on the other end.