Another chapter is written in the biggest pussy feud in baseball history yesterday when Colbert Michael Hamels (I guess his mother sobered up enough after he was born to aptly name this pussy), reluctantly called the Mets "choke artists," after being prodded by radio interviewers. Obviously, I hate the Phillies on principle, but I hate this rivalry in general. The way these two teams talk (and Jacobs knows, my objectivity is unimpeachable, but is it just me or is 95% of this talk coming from the Phillies?), guys should be getting knocked down in the box left and right. You shouldn't be able to be on deck without worrying about taking a pitch to the head. Fuck, you shouldn't be able to sit in the dugout without being concerned. But when it comes to on the field, where baseball is actually played, BOTH of these teams turn into a bunch of pussies. This should be a rivalry where warnings are issued at the start of the season for every game in the series because it's so ugly. But instead, it's "The Mets celebrate too much," and "Jose Reyes points too much." What a bunch of whiny fucks. If you don't like Jose Reyes' elaborate celebrations - and I can't blame you, if he wasn't on my team I'd probably hate it too - knock him THE FUCK DOWN. What the hell are you whining about it to the media for? Jimmy Rollins has it half right - as much as I hate his big mouth, at least he hits .750 against the Mets. (by the way, this always baffled me - as a Phils fan, I would think this would INFURIATE you... "Oh, so you can bat .900 when you play with a chip on your shoulder against a team you hate, why can't you do it the rest of the season? Do you not try as hard against other teams?" Maybe Phillies players should just make up quotes from the opposing team before each game and paste them to his locker, like ""Jimmy Rollins eats dogshit," - Hanley Ramirez" before a Marlins game) The point is he does it ON THE FIELD. It's hard to find anyone else on either of these teams who plays on the field like they talk in the media. The Phillies complain in the media that they celebrate too much, and the Mets respond - IN THE MEDIA. "We're the team to beat." "NO, we're the team to beat." "No! We are!" For Jacobs' sake! It's enough to make you sick. The Phillies are World Series Champions. (fuck you, the Giants are Superbowl champions, so suck a dick) There is no more question about who is the team to beat. Now go knock em on the fuckin' asses. Seriously. When was the last bench clearing brawl between these two teams who "hate" each other so much? Maybe it was Willie Randolph and his attempts to out-Torre Joe Torre, by saying "Everyone thinks Torre is a great manager. Maybe if I become MORE laid back, they'll think I'm a great manager too." But Torre never would've let this go without retaliation. I hope that Jerry Manuel will be different. I hope that on May 1st, the first pitch to Jimmy Rollins gets away from Johan Santana. I hope to see my friend again, and shake his hand. I hope.
And fuck Bill Simmons. Who says he has the monopoly on Shawshank quotes? Let him step into the box against Steven Seagal and see if one doesn't find it's way a bit too far up and in.