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Manny Ramirez Responds to PED Suspension: "I'm pregnant!"

posted May 8, 2009, 6:44 AM by Steven Seagal
Manny Ramirez, recently suspended for violating the Major League Baseball's drug policy, finally addressed the media, much to the chagrin of his agent Scott Boras and anyone else associated with Ramirez. "I'm pregnant!", said a blushing Ramirez to reporters, "I just didn't tell anyone, I wanted it to be a surprise. I also didn't know Major league baseball's policy on maternity leave". Ramirez tested positive for human chorionic gonadotropin (HCG), which is a female hormone which stimulates testosterone production. HCG is naturally produced in females following conception and it's presence is confirmed through facilitation of over the counter pregnancy tests.
Dodgers GM Ned Colletti was notified of Ramirez's pregnancy allegation and questioned Ramirez's mental state. "Is he serious? He does realize men don't get pregnant right? He's got to be on some other drugs too, Can I see the full report from MLB?". Manny Ramirez said he kept his pregnancy a secret from the Dodgers organization because "they don't understand what it's like to be pregnant". He then said with a straight face "Child birth means you have to squeeze a lemon out of something the size of a lemonade stand". Before leaving, Ramirez went on to say that he was "starting to show" while gently rubbing his belly and blushed again before exclaiming "It must be the pregnancy glow I keep hearing about!".
Red Sox GM Theo Epstein said "Ramirez's pregnancy actually makes sense when you think about it. Look at how moody, petulant and bitchy he was in his last days [in Boston]. He even called [our disagreements] a divorce. Maybe he is a girl. He certainly acted like one".