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It's Official: Stephen Strasburg Sucks

posted May 30, 2009, 8:58 AM by Steven Seagal   [ updated May 30, 2009, 9:23 AM ]
I was made aware that ESPN was showing Stephen Strasburg's start last night on one of their many stations so I was eager to check it out, if not for the entire game, then maybe for an inning or two.

Before knowing what channel it was on, I went right to the flagship ESPN station to witness what Buster Olney had to say about the crazy good superhuman Strasburg. According to Olney, from what he had heard from scouts, Strasburg is "the best prospect they've ever seen. It's not even close". Apparently, it's pretty damn close. If you don't believe me, just look at this story taken straight from ESPN.

Yes, it's finally been made official: Stephen Strasburg sucks. I took the liberty of highlighting some of the key points from the article. As you can see from the title, Strasburg lost. That much is evident. You'll also notice some other aspects of the story that tarnish the prematurely ordained myth of Stephen Strasburg.

After you get passed the earth shattering headline, you will notice that in the first sentence, Virginia coach Brian O' Connor already cracked the code that is Stephen Strasburg. All he did was move his players closer to the pitching machine so his players faced added velocity from the machine. Take that Strasburg, You're no match for modern technology.

In the third paragraph, the writer again reminds you that indeed, Stephen Strasburg, super pitcher from another planet, is a mere mortal. Strasburg lost. It still doesn't seem right reading those words. It's almost as if it's a prank. It's not though. Strasburg lost. And he sucks because of it.

After ESPN again reminds you of Strasburg's mortality, a brief yet abbreviated glimpse of Strasburg's line is surrendered. Seven innings worked, if not labored, by young Strasburg with 15 strikeouts. Why only seven innings, I don't know. I can only guess it has to do with 8 (!!!!!) hits given up by Strasburg. Ouch. I'm glad they don't mention how many walks he issued. I'd have to burn my Stephen Strasburg bed sheets if I knew the truth.

It wouldn't be an article about Stephen Strasburg without mentioning his insane light speed pitches. To be honest, I was expecting radar guns to short circuit at the sight of Strasburg reaching up to pick his nose but I have been let down. Upon reading that his fastball topped out at 100 mph, saying that I, and I imagine you feel the same, am bit underwhelmed is an overstatement.  I expected quadruple digit changeup, none of that topping out at a 100 mph shit. There are a few chinks in the armor of Scott Boras' wunderkind after all. For those of you who don't know, and you should, Stephen Strasburg has been represented by Scott Boras since Strasburg's alien space pod crash landed in some corn field, much like Superman's genesis.

The final piece of this article, which print simply doesn't give justice to, is that after one pitch, one measly pitch, Strasburg gave up a home run on 97 mph fastball. It was given up to a sniveling college kid no less, with Strasburg putting up a considerable fight ( Some of our female readers can relate to that last sentence for other reasons). The scrawny college kid, Phil Gosselin, said he "had prepared all week" and all that hard work paid off. He put Strasburg in his place, humbling the fuck out of Boras' boy. Just wait until he has to face rippling big league hitters who pay their pharmacist for chemicals to mask their steroid use. Oh and Major League players also prepare a lot too.

So there it is, for all to see. Stephen Strasburg sucks so much, he only pitches seven innings. He sucks so much he gives up home runs to college kids. He sucks so much, his fastball only tops out at a 100 mph. He sucks so much he loses games. He sucks so much, it's not even close.

Stop Smiling Stephen Strasburg. People who suck aren't allowed to smile.