We here at Ramon Hernandez Put Down The Gun tirelessly cover news from all over the planet. And the universe. With this intent, we bring you this special breaking report from our South Korean correspondent, who brings the unique insight and perspective that comes from being able to report from the future.*
Venezuela Reams Italy; Internal Tension to Blame?
In the eighth inning of last night's Italy vs. Venezuela WBC elimination game, broadcaster Rick Sutcliffe provided a revelatory glimpse into internal tension that may have led to Team Italy's ouster from the tournament.
The former Cy Young Award winner and documented drunkard hazily related the events of Italy's batting practice. According to Sutcliffe's account, starting third baseman Alex Liddi put on a power display during the pre-game session only to be criticized by Mike Piazza, whose role on the team is unclear. "When [the Venezuelans] are throwing 95, you're gonna have to shorten it up," the former (and current?) catcher chided. Sutcliffe reports that Liddi would not take Piazza's affront lying down, like so many of his former teammates have. (I'm looking at you, Eric Karros.) "They're supplying the power, dude. All you've got to do is barrel it up!"
"Did he drop a dude on [Piazza]?" play-by-play announcer Dave O'Brien asked, mouth agape. The Red Baron replied, "he dropped several dudes on him." Liddi's attempt at alienating Piazza from the team was ultimately unsuccessful, as ESPN2 cameras showed him riding the team's pine with a satisfied, if exhausted, expression.
The identity of the dudes remains unclear, as does their consent (or lack thereof) in the assault. It should be noted, however, that Team Italy's locker room is full of handsome, handsome men.
In related (and essential) news, Ramon Hernandez creamed a solo shot off Italian reliever B.J. Lamura in the fifth.
*It is tomorrow over there right now. Don't try to think about it too much. Trust me. It will just hurt your head and you'll end up questioning the linearity of time, whether John Connor knew he sent Kyle back to fuck his mom, and, ultimately, your own sexuality.