News‎ > ‎MLB‎ > ‎

I Cannot Escape Kyle Farnsworth

posted Apr 8, 2009, 7:53 AM by Steven Seagal
So I do this stupid thing on ESPN.com called Streak for the Cash. You "bet" on teams to win or certain scenarios to unfold in a game each day and once you amass a large enough win streak you are entered into a pool where you could potentially win a million bucks.  I'm fairly certain nobody will ever win the million dollars but fuck it all, it gives me something to do each day. Anyway, what led me to write this post is not necessarily Streak for the Cash but Kyle Farnsworth and his all encompassing tentacles on my life.
You see I "bet" that the Royals would win outright over the White Sox. Don't ask me why I bet the Royals, I just did. I was in the clear for seven innings as the listless White Sox couldn't be counted on to even hit their own wives, much less a baseball. The Royals were leading 2-1 and I was just waiting for Joakim Soria to shut it down. Gil Meche had pitched 7 brilliant innings, giving up 1 run on 7 hits, zero walks with 6 strikeouts. Then fucking Kyle Fucking Farnsworth stepped out from the bullpen for the bottom of the 8th and ruined my streak by giving up two singles and a 3 run jack to the ageless Jim Thome. 4-2 White Sox. It would end that way.
 The funny thing is that once Farnsworth (Or Farnsworthless, as Yankees fans called him. Yeah, we're a witty bunch) came out from the bullpen, I knew my streak had come to a crashing halt. It didn't phase me one bit. I didn't have any hope whatsoever. Last year, I needed the Rays to lose to the Tigers so the Yankees would move up in the standings. What happened in that game? Farnsworth strolled out of the Tigers bullpen and systematically gave up a homerun to Carl Crawford or Evan Longoria or someone, I don't know. The point is Farnsworth could never be counted on when he was a Yankee, a Tiger and now as a Royal whether the game was seemingly meangingless or important in terms of the standings. Now I'm in this pretend game with no bearings on actual AL standings with my chance at success relying on Farnsworth and what happens? A three-run homerun happens. It just demonstrates the fact that no matter where I go, I can never escape the foils to my success. Mind you, I mean success in the least serious way here, but the point stands. I just hope my streak and the Yankees season don't simultaneously come down to the shitty pitching of Kyle Fucking Farnsworth because I won't know what to do. I guess if and when that day arrives, I can take advice from Jack Handy when he said, "If life deals you lemons, why not go kill someone with the lemons". No one would miss Kyle Farnsworth, right?

Here's a photo of Jim Thome running the bases following a 3 run homerun off Kyle Farnsworth. Notice Farnsworth in the background standing next to the mound bent over in defeat. For the past few years, every time Farnsworth bent over in defeat he was also bending me over. Thanks Kyle!

Comments