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Hot Stove Report: Reactions to our Erections.

posted Dec 11, 2008, 10:47 AM by Steven Seagal   [ updated Feb 15, 2009, 12:37 PM ]
Obviously, The Mets and Yankees have made moves this week that we approve of. We went out recently to ask common folks, athletes and media personalities what their responses were to moves made this offseason. Granted some of these people don't know shit, it's still our duty to get an overall reaction to this inordinately intense offseason.

Dr. Foxyrotten, what do you think about the Mets recent acquisitions via free agency and trades?

The Mets are collecting an army of closers. Sort of like how I'm collecting an army of venereal diseases.

Hey-O, Doctor Foxyrotten, way too much information, but we're not surprised to hear about your "army". You had a lot of free time plowing through skanks while your teams weren't winning championships.

On to the next question, Mike Francesa, you fat fuck, how do you feel about your Yankees picking up C.C. Sabathia AND Mike Cameron?

It's huuuge. I'll tell ya, I was talking to Bill Parcells on the phone last night and I have a show on NBC called Mike'd Up and my ratings have been great since the Mad Dog left and I ask Antonio Pierce stupid questions, and I pretend to know what I'm talking about all the time, when it's obvious that I'm just filling up air time in between bites of my prosciutt and gabbagool sandwich. Guys, It's huuugge.

Thanks for nothing, you dumbass. We'll get back to you when you're terminally ill.

Hey, Tiki Barber, how do you feel about the Mets getting J.J. Putz?

I don't know anything about baseball, guys. Since I've given up playing football because I'm a worthless little bitch, I just go to all male xxx films and solicit blowjobs from the vagrants in the alley way outside the theater. But thanks for asking, want to see a movie sometime?

No thanks jerkoff, we'd rather watch you on the United States of America's National Football Night in America of the USA. Nah, Scratch that, we'd rather die than ever see your face again.

A.J. Burnett, You've been offered a 5th year by the Yankees, what are you going to do? 

I'll take the deal. Then I'll pull a Carl Pavano and ride the DL the entire time. There is a gold bust of Carl at the Players' Association headquarters. We love fucking over the Yankees, fellas. Just look at what C.C. is doing. If you think that guy isn't going to live at Gray's Papaya, then you need to stop sniffing so much glue.

Point taken A.J., but we ran out of cocaine 30 seconds ago. What are we supposed to do, NOT sniff glue? Grow up, A.J.
 
Donovan McNabb, Where do you think Manny Ramirez will end up?
 
Not sure, I just know that he'll be a great fit for any playoff ready team because he doesn't start vomiting when the pressure builds up.
 
Peter Gammons, What's the over/under on the number of times you'll stutter on the offseason edition of Baseball Tonight?
 
Anywhere be- bet- between thir- thir -thir thirty se- se- seven and fif-fifty.
 
That's great Pe Pe Peter. Next time try not to spit on me though or you'll wish you had another stroke.
 
Well, that's it folks. We've asked the hard hitting questions and we got the unintelligible responses. If you have any questions about baseball, football, hockey or life in general, feel free to email us at Steven.seagal@ramonhernandezputdownthegun.com. Maybe we'll merit your questions with a normal response. More likely, we'll break off your arms and beat you to death with them.
 
 
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