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Holy Fuckin' Shit, The Pittsburgh Pirates Suck

posted Dec 15, 2008, 1:36 PM by Steven Seagal   [ updated Feb 15, 2009, 12:34 PM ]
Okay, I know that the title of this post isn't very clever or witty, but I'm really shell shocked by what I just discovered.  That the Pirates suck?  No, everyone knows that - but just how depressingly awful they really are.  In an ultimate sour grapes moment in the wake of the Giants dismantling at the hands of the Cowboys, I decided to post a story about the biggest train wreck of an organization I could think of off the top of my head, and make some snyde remark about the "Big Splash" signing they made at the Winter Meetings.  They signed Vazquez to a two year contract.  Javier Vazquez?  No, that would be an incredibly high profile move by Pirates standards.  Ramon Vazquez, described by the Pirates as a veteran who "provides [Pirates] depth at all four infield positions."  Wow, I bet Pirates fans are salivating like Dr. Foxyrotten staring at a Tony Montana line on a $50 hooker's ass.  Anyway, what piece of information did I learn that made me weep for Pirates fans?  They have a stat box listing team leaders for the 2008 season.  Get ready for some eye-popping numbers.  The team leader in wins is Pat Maholm at 9.  Ian Snell comes in a solid second with 7.  There is a 3 way tie for 3rd place, all coming in at 6 wins, with Tom Gorzelanny, John Grabow, and Tyler Yates.  "There must be some mistake," you may say, "two of those guys are relievers."  Yep.  What a solid rotation.  Just to give you some context: The Angels have 3 relievers - Jose Arredondo, Darren Oliver, and Scot Shields with 10, 7, and 6 wins respectively.  That's right, a middle reliever for the Angels has more wins than the Pirates ace.  Their batting numbers are equally abysmal.  I'm not sure what the cut off in ABs was, but I'm assuming it must be 450 or so to make the front page box, because Doumit actually posted a respectable .318 average in 431 ABs, but his name is absent from the leader board on the front page.  The guys who lead the team, according to the team website, are Nate McLouth at a GAUDY .276 (597 AB), Freddy Sanchez at .271 (569 AB) and Adam LaRoche at .270 (492 AB).  I'd like to say that I'm such a big fan of the game that if my team posted numbers like this, I would continue to watch them.  I'd like to say that, but prison life is no fairytale world.  I'd probably slit my wrists rather than watch that team stumble its way through the season.
"No, you put your hand up here, then I hit it," explains the veteran LaRoche.  Jason Bay, shellshocked by the concept of crossing the plate, zones out.