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Goodnight Sweet Prince

posted Dec 20, 2008, 6:36 AM by Steven Seagal   [ updated Feb 15, 2009, 12:30 PM ]
It's a sad day for troubled baseball players across the world. Before there were our Delmon Youngs, Elijah Dukes, Doc Goodens and even our Darryl Strawberrys, there was a man named Dock Ellis. Ellis was a man. A man who did whatever the fuck he wanted. It saddens me, even as a baseball watcher and not a baseball player, to hear that Dock Ellis has passed away at the ripe age 63. Before you go on judging his stats like most nerds will do in the darkness of this event, let us look at the positive things Mr. Ellis has done in his wonderful life.
We all know how difficult it is to be a pitcher in major league baseball. We don't know this personally but any baseball fan has seen the peaks and valleys of every pitcher regardless of their stature. Some seem to last forever as others last a  fleeting moment. Of the thousands of pitchers to toe the rubber, there have only been 257 no-hitters. That may seem like a lot to some people but some people deserve an epic beating. Of the 257 no-hitters in major league baseball history, I will guess that only one man has accomplished this feat under the most dire of circumstances. Dock Ellis pitched a no-hitter on LSD. Have you ever tried to play pool when hammered drunk? How about order a pizza when under the influence of an "herbal supplement"?  And what about trying to listen to the Fraggle Rock theme song after eating a poisonous fungus? Yeah, those are damn near impossible things to do. Ellis pitched a no-fucking-hitter on LSD. Sure he walked 8 men but wouldn't you? Here is Dock's recount of the event:
"I can only remember bits and pieces of the game. I was psyched. I had a feeling of euphoria. I was zeroed in on the (catcher's) glove, but I didn't hit the glove too much. I remember hitting a couple of batters and the bases were loaded two or three times. The ball was small sometimes, the ball was large sometimes, sometimes I saw the catcher, sometimes I didn't. Sometimes I tried to stare the hitter down and throw while I was looking at him. I chewed my gum until it turned to powder. They say I had about three to four fielding chances. I remember diving out of the way of a ball I thought was a line drive. I jumped, but the ball wasn't hit hard and never reached me."
Need I say more on the subject? Fuck you. I won't.
This isn't the only reason for adoring the dead man. Did you know he drilled Mr. October in the face as revenge for giving up a homerun to Reggie in the all star game? This was the all star game, not a play off game, mind you. And he drilled him in the face. 1997 Pedro Martinez now sheds a tear for a fallen brother.
Was Dock Ellis a good teammate? Well we'll never know here at Ramon Hernandez Put Down The Gun, but we will know he was a man of his word. In an effort to prove a point, Ellis decided to drill every player in the lineup of the Cincinnati Reds. The point being that the Pirates were in a slump and Ellis wanted to revive his team.  Before the game Ellis is quoted as saying, "Cincinnati will bullshit with us and kick our ass and laugh at us, They’re the only team that talk about us like a dog. We gonna get down. We gonna do the do. I’m going to hit these motherfuckers." He hit Pete Rose, Don Dreissen and Joe Morgan. Anyone who has watched Sunday night baseball owes a huge amount of gratitude to Ellis for hitting Morgan. Tony Perez valiantly avoided the ball and drew a walk after Ellis "tried to deck him twice" and "threw at his jaw, and he moved. threw at the back of his head, and he moved". Ellis was removed after trying to drill Johnny Bench in the head. His line was 0 IP, 0 H, 1 R, 1 ER, 1 BB, 0 K. It worked. The Red didn't finish in first for the first time in three years, the Pirates broke out of their slump and then eventually won the division. Yeah man, I know what you're thinking. Boner City.
A true pioneer to men like the Young brothers and Scott Olsen, Ellis had his altercation with the security forces. He was maced by a Riverfront Stadium security guard after reportedly not identifying himself and making "threatening gestures with a closed fist". Ellis claimed to be showing his World Series ring as proof of his affiliation with the Pirates. Either way, men like Delmon Young can be proud to have followed in the footsteps of a misunderstood genius.
Ellis died yesterday. The cause was cirrhosis which coincidentally is how I plan on making my way to hell. I can't really put this whole thing in perspective so I'll leave it to a much better writer. To quote the late HST, Ellis was "One of God's own prototypes. A high-powered mutant of some kind never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live, and too rare to die." Too weird to live, indeed. See ya in hell, Doc.