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Garza Spit, No Hitter Etiquette and The Ultimate Jeterian Hit

posted Apr 15, 2009, 8:45 AM by Steven Seagal   [ updated Apr 15, 2009, 9:41 AM ]
So that Yankee game was pretty damn good last night. On the Rays side, Garza was dealing ace-like stuff to the Yankees, but something bothered me about him. I like Garza a lot, and this is in no way an insult, but for fucks sake, Garza likes to spit a lot. He spits roughly 4 times between pitches and it's not just a small amount of saliva. It's a substantial wad. This isn't an isolated incident either. He does this every freaking game. Does Garza have an overactive salivary gland? Maybe his immune system is weak and he constantly has a cold, causing a massive buildup of phlegm. If he has a cold all the time, dare I ask, does Garza have the AIDS? Regardless, He must wake up every morning, shivering in a pool of spit.

On the other, seemingly healthier side (for now) Burnett was no hitting the Rays much to the chagrin of anyone listening to Michael Kay call the game*. Michael Kay has no qualms with saying the dreaded concatenation of words starting with "no" and ending with "hitter" while said event is taking place. He seems to almost revel in his complete defiance of the superstition. After all, talking about a no hitter isn't nearly as bad as talking abut slavery and the holocaust, but similarities could be extrapolated. To defend himself against the superstitious fans, he went on to say that during the no hitter thrown by Doc Gooden and the perfect games thrown by David Wells and David Cone, he had spoken the ill advised words several times during the game. I imagine if Kay was in the dugout, he would be frantically yelling "AJ Burnett is throwing a no hitter!" within spitting distance of Burnett after 2 innings. Now I know that announcers have no sway with the outcome of games. If that were possible, John Sterling would use magic announcer voodoo to make his precious Yankees win the World Series 5 times a year. But even knowing that Kay has no magical no hitter powers, I couldn't help but get pissed at Michael Kay when Burnett's no-no was broken up in the 7th by Carl Crawford. It's easier to blame Michael Kay after reading this text message I received last night:

"Damn no hitter is over because Michael Kay can't keep his stupid fucking cocksucking mouth shut"

Agreed. Fuck you Michael Kay. You ruined another no hitter. I hope you and your stupid fucking cocksucking mouth are happy.

But after he ruined the no hitter, if you were still listening to Kay at that point, you were blessed with some unapologetic Jeter lauding from Kay's stupid fucking cocksucking mouth. After Jeter hit a three run homer, Kay went on to call Jeter's two previous hits Jeterian (obviously, there is a patent on these hits), but his home run was the "Ultimate Jeterian hit, almost Ruthian". So in light of this, I decided to give you three readers out there the Michael Kay ranking of hits. They are as follows:

5) Hits- These are hits that non transcendent players routinely make everyday. There are no reported normal hits made by Jeter. Michael Kay will fight you to the death for suggesting that Jeter made something as historically insignficant as a hit.
4) Jeterian hits- Only such hits made by Derek Jeter. Also called "Jeter's Patented Inside-out hit". It's patented. Only Jeter can make Jeterian hits. Sorry, MLB.
3) Ultimate Jeterian hits- three run home runs in the 9th inning off Dan Wheeler. Nothing else.
2) Almost Ruthian hits- These are the elusive hits that Jeter made in the playoffs. You know, back when the Yankees actually made the playoffs way back in history.
1) Ruthian hits- Finally we come to the hits made only by Babe Ruth. These include called shots, shots of jack, and sucker punches to whores.

*Immediately after I typed that sentence, AJ Burnett was placed on the DL with two broken arms.
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