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CBSSportsline Has RUINED My Life.

posted Apr 2, 2009, 12:57 PM by Steven Seagal
I few weeks ago I had my fantasy baseball draft. The league I'm in consists of 12 teams, all of which are owned by guys who bitch about every insignificant thing, let personal grudges spill over into the message board and become borderline homicidal when someone insults their round 17 pick. I'm sure this occurs in pretty much all leagues and probably every league that has ever existed in the history of the mankind. I'm almost positive a seemingly minor spat in a fantasy camel racing league led to the Jews exile in Egypt. 
When it came time for the 17th round, my other personality said something like "I have a boner for Brandon Morrow". I should tell you that after one too many beers, we both express deep emotions for players that would probably make the players and their families extremely uncomfortable. I hope this happens to everyone who plays fantasy sports otherwise I may need to seek therapy. Anyway, we made the executive decision that Brandon Morrow, a starting pitcher for the Seattle Mariners would be ours, all ours, kept jealously to ourselves. We thought it was great pickup. He only pitched for a short time last year but from what we saw, he has a high upside. Sportswriters were giving him the "Mariners' Joba Chamberlain" treatment last year which had an immediate effect on me since the kid almost hurled a no-no against Yankees last year. I hated Morrow before I decided that he was all mine.
Well god decided to sucker punch us and made Morrow a relief pitcher, not even a closer. Now Morrow could be the closer eventually and we'll wait him out patiently, because he can throw hard and has proven himself as starter and closer and DID YOU KNOW HE HAS THE DIABETES!?!?!? Why the fuck didn't CBSSportsline tell me that? It should be noted after every Sportsline news update, much the same way every article you read about OJ Simpson is concluded with "Oh and by the way, he stabbed two people to death". Fucking Sportsline, now I got Brandon Morrow on the same bench as Kelvim "El Padrino" Escobar, John Lackey, Manny Parra, Matt Weiners (Weiters), BJ Upton and Adam "Not Pacman" Jones. Those Angels pitchers are a fragile lot, with weak immune systems, prone to pick up whatever disease is floating around my clubhouse. So what then? What happens if the diabetes spreads? I'll be the laughing stock of my fantasy baseball league. What the fuck am I supposed to do then, CBSSportsline? Huh? Do I get to put him in a separate quarantined injured reserve spot? Jesus fucking christ, this has potential to ruin my whole team. He's going to ruin the chemistry I have worked so hard to produce (Chemistry = having many a jew + Ramon Hernandez. I'll let you know how it works).
Here's a picture I found from last year of Morrow giving the diabetes to Mariners' catcher Kenji Johjima. All it takes is one handshake and your fantasy baseball team is doomed forever. You know you won't see me high fiving these dudes any time soon.  I even have severe concern with looking directly in the vicinity of Brandon Morrow now. I heard from my cousin that it spreads just by looking at them. That's some heavy shit, man.
If I fail to finish in first place this year, I'll know exactly who to blame. The jews and Brandon Morrow. After all, I can NEVER blame Ramon Hernandez.